The Hot Mess Express

A Day In The Life...

2012-02-15T12:29:00.000-06:00

Our house is currently on the market. Here's a typical day in my life these days.

-Wake up way too early, to feed, clothe and get kids to school. (Hubs always did the feed part, and I am no morning person)
-Schlep kid to school, scramble to run as many errands as I can before it's time for pick up. If I am lucky, I can get a work out in at the gym (HA HA HA).
-Come home, feed kids (again) and pick up house.
-Watch children destroy house before my eyes.
-Cry
-Pick up house again.
-Watch kids destroy house before my eyes.
-Start dinner
-Get phone call from realtor saying she wants to show the house at 6, and is that ok?
-Throw raw dinner in fridge, scramble to pick up house again.
-Load dogs, two kids, loveys into car.
-Drive to McDonalds to get kids happy meal while we drive around for an hour.
-Bring kids home for snack (feeding time again, you know)
-Watch kids destroy house before my eyes.
-Put kids to bed, say to hell with the mess, and pour 32oz. glass of wine.
-Stay up too late reading trashy books.

Repeat. :)

Valentine Hell

2012-02-14T12:39:00.000-06:00

For most parents, holiday parties at school are a wonderful, fun thing that brings excitement and joy to children.

For me, it is hell. Sam was worked up before we even left the house today. He kept saying we were going to a Valentine's party, which we were, but it was at his school. His school party. He didn't understand, so he was mad about it, thrashing and screaming, refusing to get dressed, etc. He cried as I drug him into school with his treats and valentines, and hit me one last time before his para whooshed him away to get busy on something.

I'm told that he had a very good day at school, and was happy and singing and lovely. I know this much about my son: if kids around him are excited and rambunctious, he has learned to internalize his anxiety and stress.

Well, take a guess as to when that anxiety and stress comes out.....at home. Ever since he arrived home today, Sam has been a hot mess. He is disagreeable, angry, whiny, and awful. Today, I got the kids a heart shaped pizza from Papa Murphy's. Things were going OK until he spilled his milk. Keep in mind that we spill our milk about every day at my house, so it really isn't a big deal...oops, clean it up, back to usual. Well today Sam was distraught. He threw his pizza, threw his still-half-full cup of milk at me, and charged his sister. All because of milk.

I do not like to reward bad behavior, and so his milk and pizza were taken away. Sam has to be disciplined differently than Sloane. I will not tolerate him harming his sister, and though I am a bit grateful that he usually seeks me out to hit instead of a peer, I am also growing tired of being charged at.

I guess what I am saying is, something so happy and fun as a small holiday party at school can mean chaos for the rest of our day. I really love all things celebratory, but one thing in his schedule is interrupted, and the rest of the day goes to hell in a hand basket. I know he's still learning to deal with things, and hopefully one day we can enjoy these little parties and activities in our life. It's another check off the list of "things I was really looking forward to doing with my son, but didn't work out."

For now, Sloane and I put on our riot gear and wait out the storm. It's not fair to her, it isn't fair to any of us. But this is the life of a family dealing with autism.

And now, I am off to find myself a xanax. Happy Valentine's Day everyone.

Wherein I Bitch...

2012-02-08T10:03:00.000-06:00

My friend Megan is, indeed, the luckiest bitch in the world. You see, she wanted a new house, and found one, and then a neighborhood old man just knocked on her door and wanted to buy her house. No realtor, no open house, none of that. I hate her.

Our house is listed currently, which means I have to keep it at least 80% "show room" ready all the time. Ha. Ha. What an exercise in futility. I have two children and 3 pets. Regardless, I do try as hard as I can to keep it tidy enough that if I get a call for a showing, I can throw clutter in a laundry basket, load up the troops, and get the hell out in plenty of time. Febreeze? It's a wonderful thing.

But you know what? I am getting tired of this shit. I hate that I have to make it look like nobody lives here. Dude, we LIVE here. It's hard to explain to the kids why I don't want to play with their 5000 piece bead set, or truck out the Moon Sand (that shit is the devil, btw). Tomorrow we have a realtor open house, where area realtors come over and eat at our house, look around, and then hopefully tell all of their clients that my house is the best one in the entire world and you need to go buy it RIGHT THIS INSTANT.

Someone buy this house before I lose my mind. I'm starting to dream of cleaning all of the things, and I cringe every time my kids say "uh-oh." And, we are dangerously low on Febreeze.

My Family Is Nuttier Than A Fruitcake.

2012-02-06T12:39:00.000-06:00

I've heard many tales of families who have a white elephant-esque item that gets wrapped and passed around the family during Christmas. One of my friends passed around her cut off pony tail for years.

My family recently got into some hilarious sneaky swapping that strikes when you least expect it.

It's the fruitcake that keeps on giving. :)

My parents got a fruitcake from a friend for the holiday season. It is a fruitcake that conforms perfectly to the stereotype: full of gummy fruits, solid, dry, and gross. When they unwrapped it, us kids were all there, and were laughing hysterically about how nasty and gross fruitcake is. My dad tried it, said yuck, and then *said* that he was going to take it out to the trash in the garage. The sneaky little man took it out to my car, and stuffed it into one of our bags we had loaded for the drive home. Imagine my surprise and subsequent laughter at unloading bags and finding an aluminum foil brick in one of them. :) This was war.

Fast forward to a few weeks ago, my parents were in town visiting. I went out to get the paper on the day they left, cruised past my freezer that held the fruitcake, and stuffed it in the back seat of their car. They called me rolling as soon as they got home too.

This past weekend, we were back home visiting the folks. My sister Meg became the lucky recipient of the brick fruitcake. She has declared that it will be coming to someone when they least expect it...and so the swap continues.

I think it's hilarious, and such a fun way to play a practical joke on our family members. Keep an eye on your belongings at all times and lock your car...the Hot Mess family is planting fruitcake bombs.

Damn Kids.

2012-01-30T15:16:00.000-06:00

My daughter is now almost 3, and she is the most outgoing kid I have ever met. Happy, opinionated, POTTY TRAINED!!!! (woo woo!) and just all around a pain in my ass. :)

Today, she gave me a heart attack.

My mom used to tell me stories of how, when I was a kid, I was a hider. They locked down the Oklahoma City mall once looking for me, and I was enjoying a make believe picnic between the clothes racks at the JCPenney. I also got lost at Sea World or Six Flags or some amusement park equivalent. I remember being 15 and laughing SO much about how funny that must have been for my mom. She was not impressed.

Pay backs are hell.

Today, I was at the grocery store, mailing off some super important document that my now Vegas-residing husband HAD TO HAVE RIGHT THIS MINUTE. GO NOW AND DO IT!!! So, I schlepped my kids up to the store to their post office kiosk. Since we were only going to be there a minute, I bypassed the carts. It would take 2 seconds. No biggie.

Well, in that 2 seconds, I managed to lose my daughter...or more so, she lost me. I looked down the check out aisles, and over by the videos thinking "she couldn't have gone too far in 2 seconds." Couldn't find her. Blood pressure rising, I called out her name. No response. So I started looking a bit farther from the post office, and couldn't find her there, either. Now it was a Code Red, all out panic. I found the manager, and he put the store on lock down looking for my kid. The clerks all stopped what they were doing to look for her. I was close to hysterics.

Three minutes later, they found her. In the bakery aisle. Trying to sweet talk some old lady for a cookie from the free sample bin.

She is now the lucky, lucky kid who gets to wear the .Lowered Expectations Monkey Leash.

Damn kids.

Deal With It, LTrain.

2012-01-27T18:44:00.000-06:00

For the next few weeks, this place will probably be where I go to help navigate my huge "let's move across the country" life change. Just so you know. ;)

John left today. It went about as well as it could have, with a few last minute cluster f#$ks. You know, best laid plans and all that. My head light was burned out this morning when I left to take Sam to school, so in John's last ditch effort to be Man Of The House, he decided he would fix it before he left. It took both of us to do it, and my hands were smaller, so they could maneuver the tight space easier. Suffice it to say, I ended up doing most of the light bulb installation. It's almost like it was preparation for the weeks to come...John wanting to come do the things I don't want to do, but not being able to, and me having to put on my Big Girl Pants and do it myself.

I do not like to be alone. John will tell you that one of our first serious conversations started with "I do not like to sleep alone." And I do not. And tonight, for the first of many nights in a row, I will crawl into my bed without my best friend next to me. I know that it is temporary, and that the end result will be that we all end up in the desert together, happy and safe and sound. But tonight? Tonight I am heartbroken. I miss my husband, and do not look forward to being the 100%, around the clock, only care provider for my household.

Life sometimes sucks. A lot of times, though, the sucky times in life are what define and shape our relationships. They make them stronger. They make us more appreciative of the roles played in our family. They make the love grow when you thought your heart was at capacity. They make you put on your Big Girl Pants and do what it right for your family, even if it isn't ideal.

I put mine on. Bring it.

Not Goodbye, but See You Soon?

2012-01-25T23:21:00.000-06:00

Hubs leaves Friday. We recited our vows again by our garden pond tonight, just like we did on a very rainy day almost 6 years ago. Cheers to new beginnings, but I will always have heart strings attached to that spot in our yard here. For better or worse, in comfort and in new adventure. I ♥ you, John.

Wow.

2012-01-12T14:30:00.000-06:00

Many of you know we have a son with autism. He's doing really, really well, and I am thankful that he is on the higher functioning side of the spectrum. It could be so much more difficult for us. We still have our days, but the really difficult ones are not as frequent since Sam began therapy.

This PSA really spoke to me, though. Autism knows no socioeconomic boundaries. Rich, poor, famous or infamous, everyone has the same chance of having a child with autism: 1 in 110. Staggering.

Vegas or Bust

2012-01-05T09:32:00.000-06:00

Commence freak out.

My husband was offered a really great job opportunity recently. He's been unhappy at his job for quite some time, and a recent meeting with the big wigs of the old company was the sign from Grilled Cheezus that it was time for Hubs to start putting feelers out. Well, feel no more. He's been offered, and has accepted a new position, which he starts the 30th of January.

Yes. That is in a mere 25 days.

Twenty five days to get this house in tip top, "please buy me" mode. Twenty five days to try and find a place to live. Oh yeah, and an interstate, 1300 mile move.

Twenty five days to say goodbye to 25 years of friendships, old haunts, favorite spots, and family.

I waffle between being really excited, and being totally scared. I love it here in my comfortable spot. I also love a new adventure.

Ready or not, Las Vegas. Here comes the Hot Mess Express.

Deuces, 2011

2011-12-31T15:23:00.000-06:00

The year 2011 has been a banner one for us. Hubs and I vacationed in Maui, and he got to experience his first trans-Pacific airplane ride. My son started school. We transitioned to a no sippy cup, all big kid bed home. I got to see the pure joy of Christmas in my children's eyes. I met wonderful people, and grew closer to those that I've known forever. I really can't say it was a bad year. Sure, we had our roller coaster moments, but all in all, the past 12 months have been pretty good for us. We are blessed.

I anticipate that 2012 will bring with it some new, exciting happenings. One of my resolutions is to come here and share my thoughts and photos more often. Come along for the ride, friends. You won't be disappointed.

Happy New Year!
The Hot Mess

Stuff my Sloaney Says

2011-11-28T19:39:00.000-06:00

Sweet Lord, my daughter has been cracking us up lately. Her vocabulary is fairly advanced, and she's been zinging us with some hilarious phrases lately. And some "colorful" language that I am certain she heard from her father, because we all know that I am *so* not the swearing type. ;) She's especially been fond of calling everything crazy--from herself, to the many things she talks to us about. Everything in Sloane's world is crazy.

"Mom! I smell like goats! It's crazy!"

"Here mom! Here's a booger. It's a crazy booger!"

"Jackson is my little puppy mom. He's mean and bites Sam. I love him."

"I am so scared of the turkey mom. It is delicious."

These are just a few of her phrases. I find myself cracking up daily at her, whether she is telling me about her "crazy" life, or repeating what daddy calls the cat when he's mad at it. So funny!

Monday Musings

2011-11-14T17:58:00.000-06:00

Whew. It's been real hard to get over here, so I am sorry. I promise to do better.

In the mean time, my thought for the day:

To turn my lemons in to lemonade on a day where my kids are coughing, snotting, whining, and crapping on everything, I leave you this...I cannot think of a better calming drug in the entire world than having your sweet, sick child asleep on your shoulder. There. I said it. I love it. Even in all of it's snotty, puking glory, I love to feel wanted. Everyone wants mama when they are sick, even me. And I am thankful for the opportunity to be the mama to these cute little binks.

Happy Monday.

Is This Thing On?

2011-10-03T08:53:00.000-05:00

September in the Hot Mess household has been a whirlwind. So much so, that I was relieved to wake up Saturday to October. September marked a month of events that I was heavily involved in planning, and as much as my heart warmed at being able to raise awareness and money for various charities that are close to my heart, I have felt that I have been putting my family and their needs on the back burner. We rocked out September, and I am looking forward to making up the time I didn't spend with my kids in October.

We are in a difficult and unsure time in our life regarding care for Sam. Sam loves and adores school, but he loves and adores it in his own way, which basically means he goes to do his own thing. It takes extra hands daily to get Sam to listen, participate, draw, eat, sit and play. He won't interact with the other kids much, but we continue to take him so that hopefully he can learn. Lately, when it comes time for the day that Hubs and I volunteer at school, Sam acts out. On top of his daily struggles, he takes to kicking and hitting and screaming when I am there helping. It is absolutely breaking my heart. Not only for him, but because of the uncertainty in the other children's faces, and the disruption that his outbursts cause. My entire life I have been so looking forward to being a Room Mother in school, being able to help out, and finally getting the opportunity, it isn't panning out the way I had dreamed. Many events in our life with Sam have not panned out the way we expected and thought, but I really had hoped that school would be different. His teachers are wonderful people, and his special education support staff is a Godsend, but I still wonder in the back of my mind how much his teachers will put up with before they have to tell us he can no longer come to school. There is also the sense of dread that I feel in that I am peeking into the future with Sam. This is not going to be a problem that is short term; we've got 14 more years of trying to mold the education system to fit the needs of our autistic son.

Sloane is coming into her own personality, which means that she is now testing her boundaries, and using her adorableness to get away with things she wants. I have no idea where she got that from. ;) Sloane has been in time out a lot lately, as her favorite thing to do is put her hand on her hip and say "NO!" to everything. She's still a wonderful role model to Sam, and she is very encouraging to him. She's currently obsessed with Mr. Jackson, our ill weiner dog. She's always bringing him blankets and petting him and making sure he is comfortable. She's also taken to carrying "baby" around everywhere. Sometimes baby is named Grant (her cousin), but most of the time it's simply Baby. Sloane is my natural care giver. She goes to daycare at least once per week, and hates leaving when it's time. As many times a day she makes me want to pull my hair out, there are at least double the times that I laugh uncontrollably at her phrases, and melt at the sweetness she gives to everything around her.

So there's my update. Sorry it's been so long, and I look forward to hopefully updating with pictures of our bananas September. But for now, I'm going to go snuggle with my not-so-baby children.

Overheard in the Backseat

2011-09-14T14:35:00.000-05:00

Lately I feel like I've had to herd my cats all over hell's half acre, and that isn't far from the truth. Between Sam's school and various therapies, play dates for Sloane, and the stuff of life, we have been spending a lot of time in the car lately. And the kids have been cracking me up with some of their "isms".

Sloane: "Mom! Quit singing! You sound like a cat."

Sloane: "Mom. I neeeeed you to stop for chocolate milk, or my hair is going to fall out."

Sam: "Mom, I don't need you to come up to Miss Kelly and Kaffi (Kathy) today. I can go. And I want red pizza. Bye."

Sam: "Who is that guy?"
Me: "I'm not sure honey, he's just walking."
Sloane: "He needs a shower and some Toy Story bubbles."

Sloane: "Mom! Mom! MOM! My feet stink."
Sam: "I smell?"
**stretches foot over**
Sam: "Yuck"

Sam: "Mom, I peed on the tree at school."
Me: **facepalm** I'm sure Miss Kelli and Miss Kathy are sooo impressed.

Not in the car, but Sloane also had a doozy this week. She came up to me, covered in syrup from head to toe from breakfast and said "Mom! I am a hot ass mess. Where's the washcloth?" Yes daughter. Yes you are. :)

I anticipate an interesting year and more to come as the months wear on. :)

Sam's First Day

2011-09-07T13:02:00.000-05:00

Today was a big milestone in my life, and my son's. It was Sam's first day of preschool in a regular classroom.

Actually, it was the second day of school, but it was Sam's first because he skipped the first day to come to my class reunion. Yes, I know, Mother of the Year. :)

So anyway, we got up and got dressed, and packed his school bag, and got in the car. He was excited to see Miss Kathy and Miss Kelli, and laughed with joy when his therapists Miss Janice and Miss Mindy came in to be with him. I was confident he was in good hands, and when I picked him up today he had already made 2 pictures to grace our hallway with. He was happy. He had a wonderful day. He wants to go every day and see his new friend Zoe.

I have mixed emotions. Firstly, I don't know why, but I never thought this day would come...the day where I am comfortable and confident to leave Sam in someone else's care. To be taught by people who know better about what he needs than his mom. To enjoy spending time with just my daughter, while my son learns about things I've never taught him, by people who love him as much as I do. It's heartwarming, and sad, and happy, and scary, and hopeful...all wrapped in to one heart. Mine.

Sloane begged to stay at school with Sam, so it won't be long before she is in a Parents Day Out program, and I am awash with free time I never anticipated having so soon. My kids are growing up. I can't stop time, but we are reveling in the changes in our household, and I am stocked up on Kleenex for my onion paper heart.

Cuteness

2011-08-31T14:36:00.000-05:00

Hey! Guess what everyone? I'm still alive! Barely! My parents and entire family were up a few weekends ago to celebrate Sam's birthday (party #3) and to just hang out. We got the first ever, actual decent picture of all of the kids sort of looking in our general direction. Cat herding is hard work. :)

We're off to the SWK again this weekend for more family fun, so I'll have more to post soon.

Loves,

The Hot Mess

Cake Wreck: Sombrero Edition

2011-08-15T09:52:00.000-05:00

As many of you probably know, I really love to make my children's birthday cakes. I am not a cake decorator by any stretch, but one of the things I loved from my childhood were my homemade, home decorated, birthday cakes. It's instant nostalgia for me.

Sam and two of his friends have birthdays in August, and instead of all of us having 3 separate parties, we always do them all together, in one big blow out day. This year the theme was the Three Amigos, so mustaches and pinatas and sombreros were a must. The cake wreck theme was born: A giant sombrero. We also make personalized cookies for the kids with mustaches on them. They all turned out adorable! I love them.

Happiest of Birthdays, My Sweet Sam.

2011-08-08T08:33:00.000-05:00

August 8, 2007 was a day that changed my life forever. My beautiful miracle child came into the world. It was quite a production, as Sam does nothing on the small scale. He wanted excitement, terror, happiness, panic, and love...and he got all of it. He still does nothing small. Sam's motto is "go big or go home."

This week, Sam jumped off the diving board at Aunt Megan's house with no life jacket, in the deep end, with no adult there to catch him or make sure he wouldn't sink to the bottom. He kicked over to the ladder and continued doing it for the rest of the afternoon. The people there might not have noticed, but hubs and my hearts were bursting with pride for our daring child.

Sam's vocabulary is expansive now, and he will pretty much repeat everything anyone says. This can be a good thing and a bad thing. :) His favorite thing to do is sing songs, many of which he's only heard once before. He likes to recite commercials, too. Hubs and I have a good chuckle every time we hear Sam tell us we can get something "for the low low price of 19.95!" or talk to us about the "3 levels of insulation in the Pack-It cooler". It's not so funny when he reminds me that I need to bust out the cuss jar again.

Sam starts preschool in September, and we are most excited for this transition in his life. Uneasy transitions are not Sam's strong suit, but he's head strong and will figure anything out he sets his mind too. And he's got some of the most wonderful, caring instructors, therapists, and people in his life. I have no doubt that Sam will continue to do Big Things.

Jump off the diving board of life, my sweet son. Though there might not be anyone there to catch you, I know that you will kick until you make something wonderful of whatever situation arises.

Happy Birthday, Samuel Mark.

Like Mommy, Like Sloaney

2011-08-01T12:09:00.000-05:00

This past weekend we visited my family back in Southwest Kansas. I am to a point in life that I really do appreciate and love going back home, even though at 18 if you'd have told me that I'd have laughed in your face. It's good to get away from the grind in my own home, and Sammah and Papa's house is a great place for the kids.

I take a lot of pictures. A lot. I'm the family photographer; everyone always knows that I will show up with my Nikon, shooting every minute of our gathering together. I can't help it, I want to preserve memories. I want to remember times like these, where my kids are cute and smile and laugh...so that I can ease the pain when they are mean, have attitude problems, and want to G.I. Jane their hair or dye it green.

This weekend I caught Sloane playing mommy. I asked her what she was doing, and she said "I'm being you", and she'd grabbed an old camera and was walking around telling everyone to Smile! and Say Cheese!

Too cute for words. I hope she gets some of my other attributes, too.

Saying Goodbye

2011-07-25T11:50:00.000-05:00

My dog Jackson is coming up on 11 years old. We went to college together, went to frat parties, had beers at Louise's West, and moved into what seemed like a new apartment every year I attended KU.

He came as part of the package when I moved in with my then boyfriend, and was "best dog" when the boyfriend became my husband. Hubs and Jackson have had a rocky relationship, but my husband knows how important that dog is to me, so he rolls his eyes and admits defeat when it comes to the wonder pup. We've added another dog, and two children to the brood, and Jackson always gives me his disapproving look like "really? another one?", but accepts the new members into our family. He's learned to love snuggling with Sloane, because he can always count on her to pull a snack out of somewhere and share with him. Jackson is my life travel partner. We ride the roller coaster together.

More recently, we've been riding Jack's cancer roller coaster together. For the past 6 months, we go to the vet, find the tumors, cut them out best we can, and go on our way. It's getting harder for Jackson, and the tumors are getting more aggressive. We're starting to have long talks of "are you up to this again?" and I'm talking to my husband about "the day". It's heart breaking and sad for me.

Jackson is more than just a dog to me. He is a friend. He is also the last remaining piece of my "past life." When I moved here, I wanted a companion to start fresh with. Jackson has been here through thick and thin, happy days, and heart ache. My early twenties when I was looking to find my place in this world, and today as I am settling in to my calling as a mother and advocate.

It's going to be hard when "the day" comes, and it's coming sooner than I had planned on. Even if his time on Earth is coming to a close, he will always be one of my first true loves. My love before a husband, or a house, or children. My travel buddy through the journey of young adulthood. My buddy.

I'm Famous! Ish.

2011-07-13T13:52:00.000-05:00

My husband works at the local newspaper here, and I've been giving him grief for years that he never publishes anything related to me or our family in the newspaper. "It would appear to others that I am playing favorites", he says. Of course, the minute I get arrested for going postal on a budding sociopath at the local playground, or for refusing to leave the karaoke bar after too many limoncellos, well...I imagine THAT would probably make headlines. But, I digress...

My friend Megan is a feature blogger on the newspaper's entertainment website. She has zero problem making my newsprint dreams come true, and she does. Often. Have I mentioned to you how much I love that girl? :) When I introduce myself to her friends I've not met, I get the "oh! YOU'RE the Lindsey!" Yes. Yes I am. It's good to be known as something other than "Mother of Mini Messes" or "the totally whacko person who talks out loud to herself at the library".

We like to cook, drink, kick and stretch. We like to cook together and watch shenanigans ensue. This is one of our recent adventures. Read it. It's funny, and the food was good. I dream of it. You are welcome.

Lowered Expectations, Volume 17

2011-07-05T16:33:00.000-05:00

Today I did something I swore to myself I would never, ever do. I bought my son a leash.

OK, it isn't a proper leash. It's a kid friendly "child safety harness system" that has a loveable cuddly monkey shape to it. Sort of like this one:

But, let's all be honest...it's a leash. And you know what? It is a gift straight from the baby Jesus. I am tired. I am busy. I have to run errands and buy groceries, and since my husband works a mere 70 hours a week, most of the time my kids are being schlepped all over hell's half acre with me. I'm sure a lot of you have 2 kids and manage just fine. I bow to you. If my neck bulges any more at the store while Sam is running away, laughing at me, I'm bound to blow a carotid right there in aisle 8.

And so, I purchased the leash. And he loves it. Finally, the store is a little bit more manageable. I can't wait to get "the look" from strangers, or have people feel free to interpret my son's harness as me being a lazy parent. Seriously. I dare someone. I pack a mean left hook, and my wedding ring is made of platinum and sharp diamonds. Bring it.

I think I'll put a sign on the monkey that says "If you pet me, I go bananas." Might as well have a good laugh at my expense. :)

Appetite for Destruction

2011-06-21T15:39:00.000-05:00

My son has been on quite the roll lately. I can't decide if he's bored, or has a new-found ornery streak, but the kid has been seriously effing up my stuff around here.

Two weeks ago, he got into my room (which is strictly off-limits), got into my armoire, and emptied all of my expensive hair care products and oils, lotions, and mouthwash all over the carpet, bedspread, and our weimaraner Duncan. At least 7 washes of the dog later, 4 loads of laundry, and a handful of tears over the state of my ruined carpet, and I decided to let him live.

Only to find him a few days later digging in his off-limits closet through the craft drawer. He glued scraps of paper, glitter, and markers to the dog and his bedroom comforter. I thought he was asleep, since he fell asleep on the way home from the swimming pool. Nope. He was embracing his inner Picasso. The washing machine got a work out, and the dog got yet another bath.

Fast forward to this past Friday. We were having a bit of a gathering, since we had lots of family in town. I went to flush the toilet, and the toilet over flowed. It wouldn't plunge out either. I admitted defeat, and called our friend the plumber. At 5pm. On Friday. Three hours and 40 feet of snaking later, our toilet flushed. The culprit? Toddler underwear. Size 4T. Thomas the Tank Engine. Sam strikes again. Can't wait to see that bill.

And now we are here today. I just scrubbed my bathroom, and yet again washed the bed spread. My hubs left a razor on our sink this morning, and Sam grabbed it while I was changing his sister. Yes, in the bathroom he isn't supposed to be in. He cut his finger, and wiped blood all over every surface in the bathroom and my bedroom.

I know that kids make messes. I know that kids are just learning, and it's our job as parents to mold their tiny schizophrenic beings into normally functioning adults. But sweet freaking Grilled Cheezus. I am tired. And I am broke, and my washing machine hasn't quit running for weeks.

Needless to say, we've invested in some keyed locks at Casa De Hot Mess. This crib is going on lock down, but I venture a guess that Captian Destructo will still dazzle me with his destructive capabilities.

Summertime

2011-06-14T10:10:00.000-05:00

Sam likes goats. Goats like Sam.

My beautiful butterfly girl.

Summer is in full swing here. We spend most of our days playing outside, going to the pool to see Tan Dan the Speedo man, or schlepping all over hell's half acre to various summer activities. I don't feel like I update as often as I want, but I am really trying my best to run the kids like baby Labrador puppies. Evenings here have been quiet. :)

We helped our friends move this past weekend. Their new house is beautiful, and it has a pool. We have a new favorite weekend hangout, and they owe us. ;) Good thing we all like eachother.

Sloane was seen at Children's Mercy a few weeks ago. Her old hack job pediatrician had missed a heart murmur in her, so we got the full work up. She's going to be fine, thank goodness, but I am having a heart attack opening up her cardiology clinic bills. I suppose she's worth it. She's been the belle of the ball at the pool, making friends with mommies and kids, and all around being adorable. She is very empathetic to Sam's needs, and we never hear her complain of having to adjust sails to smoother seas in regards to Sam. We couldn't have asked for a better sister to Sam. She has also taken a huge liking to learning Spanish, so I get to use some of that big fancy college edumucation I got.

Sam is out of school for the summer, and we are clamoring to find things for him to do that would suit his special needs. He's really too young for organized sports (and since he prefers being alone, I am thinking he'd be miserable in them), so I've been encouraging him to branch out and play with other kids at the pool and park. We're looking into some art and music classes, and I am still fighting every day to get him education services and therapies. We are in the process of applying for child social security disability benefits, and let me tell you, that has been a real joy. Talk about frustration.

Aside from all that, we are looking forward to a visit from aunts and uncles this weekend, and will be putting together something special for Daddy for Father's day. I will do my best to update more. Unless I don't. ;)

Because I Don't Have Enough To Do...

2011-06-07T15:42:00.000-05:00

I have decided recently to try and run an entire 5k. I'm sure it sounds easy to most of you reading this, but I am not a big fan of the running thing. Kudos to those of you that love it; I am now doing my best to understand by joining the Couch to 5K workout. Basically, if you follow the program, you will be able to run a 5K by the end of the training, which is roughly 6ish weeks.

My friend Lindsay is joining me. She doesn't much like to run either, so we thought we would be good motivation for eachother. So far, it really has been good to have here there, if for nothing more than to complain about having to flipping run again. I like walking! I like dinner parties! I like attending running events and cheering people on from my lawn chair.

So, if you drive down Sixth street in the coming weeks, and you see me crumpled on the sidewalk dying, now you know why. It's me against the 5K right now, and so far the Couch is the clear winner.

Kids Might Say The Darndest Things, But Mama's Got Some Doozies, Too.

2011-05-20T15:14:00.000-05:00

Actual sentences uttered from my mouth this week:

"Don't pee on the book."

"Ficus trees are not a vegetable."

"Get your head out of the toilet...I don't care if you want to say good bye to the Cheerios, you can do it while standing up."

"The dog is not a horse."

"Sloaney, your baby is too young to eat Sun Chips. You eat them."

"You can't pee in the cereal aisle. That's what the bathroom is for."

"Stop licking the television."

Never a dull moment around here.

Friday Confessions

2011-05-13T11:59:00.000-05:00

It's been an interesting week here at my house. I mean, they are always interesting, but this week has been super fun.

Sloane's new favorite phrase is Gosh Dammit. Hmm. Wonder where she's heard that. I went to yell at the dog for getting into the garbage yesterday, and there she was "Gosh dammit, Duncan." She couldn't find a shoe, and out it came again. And again when she dropped her ball. Yeah. I'm not going to make a big deal of it, but I also dragged out the ol' cuss jar again. Old habits and all...

Sam has made a major breakthrough in potty training. He's stayed dry for 2 days. The catch? He'll only pee outside, like the dogs. No peeing on cheerios, no peeing for chocolate, he wants to pee with the dogs. Again, I think I'm just going to roll with it for now, though I can see this becoming an issue at school when he decides to drop trow on the playground.

Sloane ate ketchup for breakfast. Not sausage, not hashbrowns....just ketchup.

I've been totally lazy today, and my excuse is that we're potty training. In actuality, I'm just tired and the weather is not conducive to getting anything done.

I really hate Friday the 13th. I really have had a fair share of horrible things go on during Friday the 13th, so I am content to stay home and hibernate today, so as to avoid driving. I know it sounds silly, but I don't care.

Aloha Friday!

2011-05-06T13:36:00.000-05:00

We made it through another week! I am looking forward to some warm temperatures, and I really really miss Hawaii today. So, when you can't just hop a plane, you bring Hawaii to you. Cheese! Man, those are some adorable little binks. Happy Friday!

It's Raining, It's Pouring...

2011-05-03T22:02:00.001-05:00

Pouring down new appliances, that is. Good grief. They say it comes in threes? OK, so fridge...check. Vacuum cleaner...check. Wonder what will be next? My money is on the dishwasher.

Anyhoo, today my vacuum cleaner bit the big one. Paulina. My purple Dyson whom I use every single day of my life. Every. Single. Day. I'm not terribly OCD, but when you live in a house with 3 hairy pets and 2 messy kids (and yes, maybe one messy husband and a long haired perfect woman), your shit gets dirty real fast. So I have just made it a habit to vacuum all the rooms every day. And, I'm a stay at home mom, so a vacuum is kind of a big part of my job. It's like a working woman's laptop, or 80's shoulder pad power suit.

Today, I was doing the stairs. My son Samuel has a flair for the dramatic these days, and he thought it would be so super fun to push Sloane's little toy baby stroller down the stairs. "OH MAMA. THIS IS SO MUCH FUN." So much fun, in fact, that he started hurling things down the stairs, one of the things being my beloved Paulina. Crash. Bits of plastic broke off, canisters won't go back on, Paulina has swept her last floor. It was a scene right out of a soap opera, and I watched Paulina tumble in slow motion, in her purple boxy everyday evening wear, down the stairs into my den. Oh the humanity.

And so, I did what every crazy vacuum lady does, and gave Paulina a proper adieu, wiped my tears, and put her into the garbage bin to be taken to the Dyson factory in the sky. And high tailed my ass to Target for a new Dyson.

He's beautiful. I think I'll call him Pablo.

Today's Theme: Leaks, Laundry, and Lowered Expectations.

2011-04-28T14:39:00.000-05:00

I love themes. I love themed dinner parties, birthdays, and really any sort of themed event. Today's theme? Not so much.

Right now it is 2:32pm. I have cleaned up:
-Nail polish, head to toe, on a 2 year old girl. Cherry red, too. Nice.
-Nail polish, again with the Cherry red, on berber carpet, an end table, and the wall.
-Two dog accidents. The dogs? They are now in a crate, and lucky to be alive.
-A 4 year old boy accident. It required a bath and a pair of scissors. I will let you use your imagination.
-A 2 year old leaky diaper, which required an outfit change in the Wal-Mart parking lot.

The living things in my house are setting the bar high today, I tell ya. Can't wait to see what the husband and the cat can bring to the party. *shudder*

Have A Laugh At My Expense.

2011-04-20T10:18:00.000-05:00

For what seems like a month, I have been battling a sinus/allergy attack. Spring usually brings with it all things I am allergic to, so it was no surprise that I was hitting the Allegra, Claritin, Benadryl, and any other antihistimine known to man pretty hard.

And then my voice starting sounding all raspy, like the 70 year old, 4-pack-a-day smoker waitress in your hometown's favorite truck stop. And then I couldn't breath while I was power walking my neighborhood.

And so I did something unimaginable; something that I hate doing more than life itself. I went to the doctor.

Gasp! I know! I hate going. I hound all of my friends and family about going, and my kids go for all things questionable. But I never go myself. I don't have time, I'm not that sick, blah blah blah. I hate it.

But, it turns out I have a really super bad sinus infection and bronchitis. So I am on all sorts of crazy medicines now. I am finally starting to feel better! And then I look in the mirror yesterday and I am blotchy. Like, big red, you-just-got-slapped blotches. I have a rash. Lovely.

The rash sends me into a panic, and I again, for the second time in a week, go to the doctor to see if I am dying. Nope. Antibiotic side effect. It will get worse, and will last as long as I am on this medicine, and a few days after I stop it. You know, for like 2 weeks.

My raspy voice and leper-like rash should be a HUGE hit at the Easter egg hunt this weekend. :)

Between A Rock And A Hard Place

2011-04-12T15:35:00.000-05:00

Parenting is challenging, even on a good day. When your child has special needs, it becomes really really challenging.

Our son Sam is classified in an IEP as "developmentally delayed." He qualified for special education services through the school district here, and has been going to his special needs classroom for the better part of this year. The teachers in these classrooms are worth their weight in gold, and I am thankful everyday that Sam gets to be a part of the classroom.

Next year, life gets complicated. Sam will be four, and can go to preschool. The special needs preschool at Kennedy is wonderful, but Sam is too highly functioning to be a good fit there. It would be inhibiting to keep him in that classroom, because he is not "special needs enough," says his teachers. The other problem is that Sam is not "fully functioning enough" to go to a classroom with typically behaving children his age.

So what the hell is a parent to do?

It is like I am setting him up to fail regardless of the choice I make. Stifle him by keeping him with kids and teachers that "get" him, or make him the trouble making, inattentive child by putting him in with typically developing kids his age. He'll be stressed out because he isn't good at social relationships, and will probably be reprimanded often because he has zero impulse control.

I have toured countless preschools. None of them so far feel like a good fit for my son. School will be good for him, I keep repeating to myself. Maybe he'll surprise me, and be really happy and excited and love it and get along great with everyone. I just hate that nothing screams out "PICK ME. I am great for your autistic kid." Parenting is hard, and this is absolutely breaking my heart. I'm told by other parents with Sam's issues that it is just getting me prepped for teachers and life in the school system. Yay for encouragement.

I just feel like I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't.

Mars and Venus

2011-04-08T09:48:00.001-05:00

We are leaving this weekend for a visit to my folks' house. We leave this afternoon sometime.

How Mommy Gets Ready For A Trip:
- 2 days before trip, make a list of every possible item the kids will need, and writes notes all over everything like "don't forget to charge camera" and "wash lovey blankets"

- the night before, washes every shred of clothing and fabric in the house and folds. Leaves for husband to put away, which he ignores.

-Day of- puts away clothes and curses husband.

---packs a bag for herself, with an extra outfit for when her kid smears chocolate cake on her shirt at 10am.

---packs bags (notice, plural, as in "more than one") for each child, with extra diapers, medicines, toys, wipes, loveys, videos, snacks, and every other freaking thing imaginable that they might want

---packs more diapers, because the memories of "that one time we went to St. Louis and baby got sick" are still fresh in your mind

---packs cameras, video equipment, computers, phone chargers, and Ipod. So that when you get to your destination, you do not use any of this. You forget to record, or snap a picture, or check your e-mail. This step is a waste of energy, but we do it every.single. time.

---packs the magical, all powerful DVD player. And brings extra batteries, just in case. And every movie the kids own.

---if dogs are travelling, there is an entire other bag of stuff for them. And a giant dog kennel.

---on packing day, mom still manages to clean up house, feed kids, answer e-mails, cook, shower, and get the oil changed in the car. And write a blog. Then she sits quietly, waiting for dad to come home, so she can pack the car and leave. She's mapped the route, and knows we will be "here" at 5:15 for a dinner at Wendy's before the kids have a total meltdown.

How Daddy Gets Ready For A Trip:
-goes to work. Works.
-comes home. Sees that wife is completely packed, as is his entire family. The bags are waiting by the door.
-sees the laundry has been put away. Ut oh. Wife is mad at me.
-is questioned by wife: "where is your bag, dear?" He told wife he packed last night. He didn't. Ut oh, it's that bulging neck vein again. He's seen it before. He is scared.
-Quick! Throw some shit in a bag and get the F outta here before she freaks out.
-Gets to destination, and realizes that he didn't pack socks. Or a tooth brush. Or any pants.

And he wonders why I drink wine. ;)

Things That I Love: Tuesday Night Supper Club

2011-04-05T13:24:00.000-05:00

For what I think has been the last 8-10 weeks, my friends and I always seem to gather for dinner at my house on Tuesday nights. Some different friends come and go every week, but the usuals are always here. It started out as random chance, and has developed into an every week thing. And I freaking love every single minute of it.
I love that the simple aspect of people gathering around food can be so wonderful. Our children play together and have grown to be close, and we have all grown closer as well--even the newer, or not as often members of the club. We laugh, we share fears, we toast to another day of surviving life. It feeds more than our bellies; it feeds our souls too.

Sometimes I forget that there are people in the universe that do not have this. They have the same "stuff of life" happen, but don't have a group of friends to share in that with them. It makes me ever-more grateful for these wonderful friendships, and wonderful meals, and wonderful support.

Here's to you, Tuesday peeps! Pass the salt and pepper.

Life: Hot Mess Style

2011-04-04T13:43:00.000-05:00

Life is in full swing here at the Casa de Hot Mess. There hasn't been a lot of time to even do all of the laundry, let alone get a whole lot of blog postings out. So, sorry. Monday recap, here we go:

1. My kids do not listen. I try to keep from complaining about child rearing too much, mainly because my children are walking miracles and I know there are folks out there who would give their leg so they could scream at their darling daughter about playing in the dog water. Honestly though, I am fed up. I know it is their ages, and I know a lot of it is Sam's autism, but I can't tell you how many times a day I hold my tongue and the top of my head so that it doesn't blow off.

2. Speaking of Sam's autism, April is autism awareness month. Every day with Sam is a challenge in some respect, and I do hope that the therapies and school and research studies and money that I'm paying out the wazoo help him to be "just another kid" some day. The University Daily Kansan newspaper interviewed me about autism this weekend, so when they publish the article I will be sure to link it here. I'm past the anger stage of Sam's disease, and also past the sadness of it. The uncertainty is still there, and probably always will be, but the more I can get the word out about autism, and how important therapies are for kids (are you listening Kansas state legislature?), the better I will feel about it all. For now, we do the best we can and I try to immerse myself in research and new therapies for our son.

3. I got a new refrigerator last Thursday. It is the coolest thing ever...literally. :) Yep, I am old. New appliances excite me. She's stainless steel and her name is Bertha, since she's got a wide berth. I had to sledge hammer a wall in so that it would fit, so Bertha is not going anywhere. If we sell this house, she stays with it. ;)

4. Saturday I had the first of many (I hope!) Mamacitas and Margaritas patio parties. I've got lots of lady friends from all walks of life that have needed a good old fashioned breather these days. So my friend Megan and I threw together some taco stuff, guacamole, and made a pitcher of margaritas, and all of our stressed out women friends came over to chat, vent, laugh and have a great time. Just what the doctor ordered for a lot of us. I think it is important to have a breather every once in a while as a mom/parent/wife/member of the female race, so I was happy to host. It was also a great opportunity for many of our friends to meet new people/eachother. Good stuff.

That's pretty much what's been going on the past week or so. This week will bring more adventures I am sure. Stay tuned.

One of the Best Vacations Ever.

2011-03-22T12:45:00.000-05:00

Hubs and I recently returned from what I would consider one of the best vacations ever. We were in Maui, Hawaii for one of my best friend's weddings. Everything was beautiful, and tropical, and WARM! During the time we were in Hawaii, it snowed 9 inches in the state I live. But in Maui? It was 85 and sunny every single day, save for about 45 minutes between 3:30 and 4:30 when the skies would cloud up. I have no shame in admitting that I did not want to leave. While we were laying on the beach, I was conjuring up ways we could find jobs and send for our kids. We could just live at this nice, fancy hotel until we could find a house. HA. HA.

This vacation was more than just a fun trip to a friend's wedding. Hubs and I will be married 5 years in April, and since we plunged right into "real life married people stuff" after our wedding, we never took a proper honeymoon. I figured Hawaii for the 5 year mark would suffice just fine.

So, here are a few photos from the trip. We had wonderful times aboard snorkeling tours, at luaus, whale watching excursions, driving up volcanoes, and hanging out with our best friends on their very special day. I missed our kids dearly, but knew they were in excellent hands with Aunt Kath and Sammah. Hell, it was like they were on vacation, too! There is one thing I can tell you for sure: we will be returning to Maui. Maybe with our children, maybe for another couples-only vacation, but it is absolutely too beautiful and too wonderful to never see again. I could write a pamphlet for Maui's convention and visitors bureau. ;)

The sunset over Kamaole Beach. This beach was literally 1/2 block from our hotel. And it was beautiful.

This is the sunrise over Haleakala crater. Yep, it's a volcano. It was awe-inspiring, and I was so glad to be able to share it with hubs. We were there with over 300 people, and not a word was spoken as the sun rose over the clouds and the crater. Gorgeous. Closest thing to heaven on Earth.

This is the spot where my friends exchanged their wedding vows. Down there between the grass and volcanic rocks is a beautiful little beach. It was perfect.

This is a whale that I saw on our snorkeling tour. Between November and April, there are thousands of whales around Maui, there to mate and have babies. It was the coolest thing ever.

Sam was very nervous about us never coming home, so he gave us two of his dinosaur things to take with us to remember him. We ended up going all "Flat Stanley" with them; they came along on all of our adventures, and we took pictures and sent them to Sammah's facebook page for him to see. It was awesome.

This is at the Feast at Lele luau. Wonderful food, and great dancing! This is also the night the tsunami warnings came. There is no photo, but shortly after this wonderful luau ended, we spent the night at a school parking lot inland as tsunami sirens blared, and we flat freaked out.

This picture creeps me out. It is the beautiful Kamaole beach again. On a Friday. Completely empty. They closed the beaches this day, because of tsunami threat, and very strange tide patterns. Scary.

This is the Lahaina port, as we are leaving for our whale watching dinner cruise. So pretty!

North Shore, in Paia. Awesome surfing and more beautiful beaches.

Happy Birthday, Baby Girl!

2011-03-16T11:37:00.000-05:00

Before hubs and I ever considered having children, he was always wary of the Ides of March. You know, the alleged day when Julius Caesar was stabbed by his best friend, an event predicted by a crazy soothsayer or something. It was a bad luck day for my ever-so-superstitious husband.

And then, our full-of-life, tiny, outgoing baby Sloane was born. On the Ides of March. It became a wonderful day for us, even though I still think John is wary of it. Not because of a stabbing these days, but because it marks the day our little girl gets a year older.

Happiest of birthdays, Sloaney Baloney. You have brought such joy, light, laughter, and craziness to our family. We don't remember life without you. You smile with your whole face, and don't know a stranger. You love your brother, and are daddy's little girl. You've got mama wrapped around your finger as well. You love dress up, shoes, ponies, and baby dolls. You never miss a snack time...heck, if given the chance, you would snack all day long. You are kind to all children, and are sympathetic to anyone who is crying. You are a natural caregiver, and you can dance like a rockstar. We worry about you in your older years. ;) You are a force of nature, and bigger than life.

Happy 2nd birthday, Sloane Elise. We love you more than you could ever imagine.

Birthday donut.

Blowing out the candles with friends.

Dressed to impress.

Giving mommy some rockstar kisses.

Dude You Don't Understand, I'm From Kansas.

2011-03-12T13:40:00.000-06:00

Kansas is a flat, non tropical, landlocked state in the US. We worry about tornadoes, and blizzards, and the occasional range fire. I can deal with all of these things, probably because I have lived in Kansas my entire life.

Until 2 days ago, I had never given a second thought to a tsunami watch. And then I lived through one, hunkered down in a school parking lot in our rental Subaru Forester. Fun times people, fun times.

We probably overreacted a little bit, but at the time I could not wrap my head around "wall of water 10 feet high coming for the island", so we shagged ass out of our hotel resort for higher ground. The news casters here in Hawaii are worse than Katie Horner with their worst case scenarios, and they had us plum freaked the F out. Our front desk people did not seem terribly concerned about it either, and I kept saying "But you don't get it. I have no idea what to do. I am from Kansas."

So John and I did the only thing we thought we could, and packed up our car with water and clothing and money, and got the hell out of Dodge.

The town we are staying in got some localized flooding, and the shore was eerie and weird for most of yesterday, but I am happy to say we did not fare too badly.

I think I might get a shirt printed that says "I survived a tsunami". It's probably the closest I will ever get to experiencing one, and that is OK with me. Kansas is looking pretty awesome and safe right now. Sure, there are tornadoes, but you can hide in your basement and still be living large.

Mele Kalikimaka in March

2011-03-09T21:59:00.000-06:00

Aloha friends!

As I type this, there is a lovely island breeze blowing through our room, and I am sitting in a chair in a swimsuit. It is a balmy 85 degrees, and the humidity is about 80%.

I am in paradise.

Hubs and I are in Hawaii for a friend's wedding. We have been climbing volcanos, going to the beach, and doing crazy things like snorkeling and body boarding, all at like 7:30am thanks to jet lag. It has been wonderful.

But you know what? I miss my kids. Bad. Super bad. Sam gave us 2 of his beloved dinosaurs to take with us on our trip, so we've been snapping shots of the Dino Dudes at various tourist spots on the island. They go with us everywhere--our friends even let the Dino's take wedding pictures with them, and atop their wedding cake.

The "flat Stanley"-esque photos are serving 2 purposes...first, they show Sam all of the experiences that we've had. Secondly, they keep me always thinking of the kiddos, but also being able to enjoy an adult only vacation. Facebook has been blowing up with our Dino Dude travels.

Paradise has been wonderful, but I am realizing that even Hawaii has it's drawbacks if I can't come home every night to my sweet children. I'm certain that by the end of this adventure, we will be happier than ever to come home to our freezing cold, relatively inexpensive Midwestern city. With two well traveled Dinosaurs.

What's Goin' On...

2011-02-28T13:04:00.000-06:00

I haven't been feeling particularly witty lately, and frankly, I've been busy as heck. So, my apologies for the lack of postings.

So today, I give you a dose of adorable. I'm too tired to do anything else. Hopefully I have something more for you soon. We're taking an adventure here in the next week, and by the end of it I am sure you'll all be tired of me.

Super Bowl, stupid bowl...where's the food table?

2011-02-05T16:17:00.000-06:00

This weekend is the Super Bowl. It's on Sunday. And that is about the extent of my knowledge of this event. Who is playing? Which one is it? I have no idea, and I do not care one bit.

What I do care about is that it is a good excuse for a party. Mama loves a good party.

Sunday, my husband will gather with friends somewhere other than our house. I told him this year that I will not be joining in his macho football watching debauchery, so he is free to grunt and pound his chest and make other rude noises. He will gather with friends who are all married to my friends, so there is a good chance that there will be some female hating going on as well. Whatever floats your boat boys, so long as you're home by midnight. It's a school night. And take your shoes off on the tile, I just swept!

Anyways, I am having girlfriends over for the Super bowl. But instead of watching foot ball, we are going to eat awesome tail gate foods while flipping between the Puppy Bowl and Netflix seasons of Sex and the City. I am so excited. About the food especially, because it will be a veritable buffet of white trash awesomeness. Chicken wings. Little smokies. Rotel cheese dip. Be still my heart.

I love these foods. I do not eat them too often, mainly because I need to fit through a door frame, and the ingredients in most of these dishes could survive a nuclear fallout. Cheese that you can leave out for 5 years and still eat is probably not too good for you. But Sunday, I erase these sorts of things from my mind and get down on some nuclear fallout, while watching Mr. Big be an ass to Carrie for the 1,394th time.

And the puppies will be cute, too.

Who Has Two Thumbs And Is Sick Of Winter?

2011-02-02T10:05:00.000-06:00

This girl.

Here's a picture of my house yesterday afternoon, not even half way through the snow storm of the flippin' century. I am tired of this stuff!

Five weeks to Maui. It cannot come soon enough.

Mama Don't Get Out Much.

2011-01-31T09:43:00.000-06:00

Generally speaking, I do not miss my carefree, child free days. I like raising kids, and knowing what is for dinner every night (because it is made with my loving hand), and being able to pay all of my bills and still have money left. And get to bed at a decent hour. And not wake up wondering how I could have possibly drank the bar's entire stock of Bud Light bottles. And then looking at my credit card statement and saying "oh. maybe I did."

Sometimes though, it is fun to dabble in your former life. This weekend, the perfect storm of distant friends, awesome bands, and wonderful husbands who don't like awesome bands came together. Our friends were visiting from Wichita and Phoenix, and my friend Miss Nickel scored me a ticket to see one of my favorite bands, the Old 97's, play. Husband stayed home and played Mr. Mom with our Phoenix visitor Chris, while I danced around and sang my heart out in a super loud venue full of too many people. We stuck around after the show, and lo and behold, stumbled upon Rhett, the lead singer.

I felt like a teenager with Bieber fever, and Rhett is a super cool guy. He even showed me pictures of his kids when I said "I'm a stay at home mom, and I don't get out much. You rock." Awesome. Even rock stars have their kids pictures in their wallets.

Saturday was spent eating biscuits and gravy and drinking mimosas at 9am. Followed by Wii beer olympics. Followed by sushi with the girlfriends. Followed by a KU victory.

Sunday? I went shopping, and found cute things. Lots of them.

Yep, this was my blast from the past weekend. It was a lot of fun, but I sure am tired and broke today. :)

A Picture Worth A Thousand Dollars. Of Savings, That Is.

2011-01-27T16:02:00.001-06:00

Well as you all know, we've had a bit of an issue with potty training. To say the least.

Boys are difficult to potty train. Boys with autism spectrum disorders? They are even harder. Super hard. Like, take-a-xanax-and-say-to-hell-with-it hard. I've been preferring the xanax cocktail over being a super mean mom, but here lately I've been given some interesting tools to try to get Sam at least in the ballpark of bathroom business. And, since I really am none to keen of changing a Pull Up on a boy who can bring me all of the supplies and say "Mom, I need a Pull-Up", I figured I would trudge through the advice I was given and see if any of it might possibly work for us.

Miss Janice, Sam's teacher who basically walks on water, suggested that I make a story strip with pictures and tape it on the wall of the bathroom. Step by step instructions, with pictures, on what exactly you do in the bathroom. Sam is a visual learner, says Janice, and perhaps seeing it will make it click in his head.

Oh Miss Janice. You get a gold star. No, you get a platinum star. He has actually used the potty today. He reads the steps, follows them, and gets his job done. Sure, he's had accidents today, but seeing as how yesterday the boy didn't even try to go potty in the vicinity of the bathroom, I am calling this progress.

Sorry about the potty training obsessed posts here, but Sam being on the road to potty trained? I'm as excited about it as I was about the lovely diamond ring I sport on my left hand. No lie.

And just an FYI- If any of you who frequent my house walk in my bathroom, there are cartoon pictures of poop and pee adorning my bathroom wall. :)

Parenting really is comedy gold.

If You're Wondering Why My Children Are Filthy And The House Is A Mess...

2011-01-24T16:20:00.000-06:00

There are few things better in the world than getting wrapped up in a good book. Seeing as I have been cranking out kids and doing tiny baby duty for the past 4 years, it hasn't been until recently that I picked up the reading habit again. And I didn't realize how much I missed it.

I was on bedrest with my son for almost 12 weeks. True bed rest. Do-Not-Leave-Your-Bed bedrest. It was some dark days, and since even I can only stomach so much bad daytime television, I turned to books to keep from putting a plastic bag over my head. Books saved my life. I read so many books in that 12 weeks, that I was actually sort of relieved to have a tiny screaming baby to tend to instead of reading. Too much of a good thing. Good thing I was looking for change, because for the next 4 years I really wouldn't be doing much adult reading. I can recite Goodnight Moon and Bear Wants More for you, sure, but the adult reading became a thing of the past.

And then, the most beautiful thing happened....my kids got a little bit older. They wanted to play in the dirt, and I didn't have to sit with them and show them how. They wanted to climb the swingset "like a big kid" and have mom sit and watch from a bench. So I went to the library for myself, for the first time in forever, and got a few Mama books, and have never turned back.

The problem with this sometimes is that I get super wrapped up in them. I read the whole Patricia Cornwell Scarpetta series and started dreaming of dead people. I called my husband Benton, and in the middle of folding laundry would wonder if Benton was really dead, or if he and Kay would ever see eachother again. My husband thought it was a sick infatuation. And it was. And I loved every minute of it. My children were living off of frozen pizzas and Goldfish crackers, and my house was a mess, but it was a glorious time for me.

Fast forward to now, and I am reading another murder mystery series which I have become completely wrapped up in. John teases me that my new boyfriend is Mitch, and in my mind darling Mitch looks like Harrison Ford. So naturally, I have been having dreams of Indiana Jones, and the kids ask for Totinos without me even asking.

Ahh imagination. I sure have missed you.

Cabin Fever.

2011-01-17T20:24:00.001-06:00

We've got it. Or had it, I should say. Today mama reached her breaking point. I pulled up my big girl panties, threw a container of Purell in the diaper bag, and took the kids to open gym, germs be damned.

Three hours of screaming, running, throwing stuff, and riding tricycles in a gymnasium, while I sat at a table with a bunch of mom friends drinking coffee. It. Was. Awesome. Restored sanity. Exhausted kids. Worth any communicable disease we happen to catch there.

After our morning of energy burn off, my children took a glorious nap. The stars aligned, and my husband got home at like 5:15, so we could actually all have a family dinner at the same time. We decided to take everyone out to Free State, where we enjoyed a lovely dinner where my kids ate THEIR WHOLE DINNER quietly. There were zero leftovers. John and I got to linger and talk over a beer. We took the kids for ice cream, and they were ecstatic. Then, we hopped down Mass St. to our cars, came home, got a bath, and are now all watching a quick cartoon before bedtime.

If only I could guarantee Sam would sleep all night, this would be a perfect day. Perfect.

Apparently I need to get out more with my kids. Cooping them up at home makes them as crazy as it makes me.

Winter Fun

2011-01-07T09:18:00.000-06:00

I have always maintained that the months of November to January are some of my favorite. There's hub's birthday. There's my birthday. There are 3 major holidays, and two of them are in two shifts between two families. On opposite sides of the state we live in.

Regardless, they are some of my favorite times of year, and they are busy. Here's just a few things we did during those months. Happiest of Fridays to all!

I cooked turkeys and hams. Four sets of them, to be exact. I believe this is ham #2. So pretty.

This is the closest we could get to a "Grandma with Grandkids" photo. Multiple child photography is like herding cats, and the Culver grandkids did not disappoint.

Sloane with her beloved purple unicorn Pillow Pet.

Tutu day at Casa de Hot Mess. Everybody needs a tutu day.

Daddy and Sloane snuggle time.

My children are not allowed soda, save for special occasions. Christmas, and a visit from cousin Lolo qualify as a special occasion, and Sam is taking full advantage.

Sloane playing dress up. She can rock a pair of heels better than her mama. God help us all.

New Years eve was a success. The prime rib turned out fantastic, and my friend Ms. Flying Fork even brought me a super appropriate name tag. Yes, friends, that says "Hot Mess." Too true. :)

Hail, His Almighty Powers

2011-01-06T15:33:00.000-06:00

Sam's got a new party trick.

What is his new trick, you ask? High five? Jazz hands? Guess again.

Vomit. His new trick is vomit.

Last night I had had it up to "here" with Sam. He was whiny. He was hitting his sister. He was tired. It was bed time. Early, yes, but only by about 45 minutes. He was unhappy. Parenting experts tell you that the easiest and fastest way to get your child to calm down and stop throwing a fit is to completely ignore them while they are doing it. My child must be a prodigy in the tantrum department, because he screamed and thrashed and clanked around his room for a solid hour. It was hard for me too, since I am usually all about trying to find out the issue and make him happy. But last night, I took the advice of his doctor, and his therapists, and my mom, and I'm sure the baby Jesus has written about tantrums, so we'll throw him in there too. And he screamed for an hour.

Finally, he fell asleep. Sam's other new party trick as of late is to stand at the top of our stairs and scream for us at 2 am, promptly, every morning. Since JT and I need sleep in order to function, there have been a few days that we just threw him in between us so we could try to sleep. Not that it worked, because the boy flops around in his sleep like a fish out of water. Sam called out at 2am "I sleep in mama's bed." Mama decided the answer was no.

Again, Sam was none too happy. Since he'd worked himself into a tizzy earlier in the night, it came as no surprise that he was again thrashing and upset. But this time, he decided he'd puke on everything in his room. Repeatedly. Until he got to sleep in his mama's bed.

Ohhhh people. We've got a problem. I held to my guns and didn't let him in our bed, but it was ZERO fun cleaning up his room and doing laundry and giving a bath at 2am. I was pissed. He thought it was a field day.

I do hope this doesn't become a habit. Because I will send myself straight to the looney bin, first class. And our washer will get quite the workout.

I may never sleep again.

Mittens on My Heart

2011-01-04T15:05:00.000-06:00

To many of you reading this, this looks like your basic 3 year old's craft project. For those that have children, young or old, you've probably recieved countless scraps of these works of art, with nary a care to post them on your fridge or bulletin board.

To me, this is the most beautiful art I have ever seen in my life as a mother. This, my friends, is Sam's first non-forced, totally on his own art project. Glued strips of paper to a pair of cut out mittens. I could not be happier right now, and I'm going to Hawaii in March, for goodness sake.

My son has...something. Autism? Asbergers? We don't know yet. The team of therapists that work with him 2 or 3 days a week haven't been able to wrap Sam's issues up into a pretty bow with a name yet. They may never be able to. All we know is, he is a different child. A brilliant, happy, thriving child, but a different child.

He's always marched to the beat of a different drummer. He's shy to those who don't know him, and cautious even with the ones that do. He can read countless books to us, count to 40, but cannot tie his shoes or put on a shirt. He has never in his 3 years and 5 months of life taken it upon himself to make something with his creative mind. We've always sort of joked that he doesn't have a creative mind.

Until today.

I am the proudest parent on the planet today. He did art! Therapy really is making a difference in him, in the way he interacts with people, and the ways that he plays and laughs and loves. I cannot wait to see him reach his full potential, to be able to deal with the ins and outs of what makes Sam tick.

I know it will take time. But for now, I patiently wait...one art project at a time.

Adios, 2010

2010-12-31T15:36:00.000-06:00

My recipe for a proper send off to 2010 goes a little something like this:

1. big slab o meat
2. house full of friends
3. stocked bar

Hope your 2011 is the best ever, peeps!

Happy New Year!

It's An Actual Sickness.

2010-12-20T17:27:00.000-06:00

Damn the luck.

We went to visit my parents for our family Christmas this weekend. My family has had a population explosion here in the past 4 years, and there are now 6 grandchildren ranging in age from 4 years to 6 months old. It was a lovely time, the cousins all played together, loved on eachother, and were very good at sharing everything.

Very good at sharing. Everything.

Four out of those 6 are now sick. Super sick. Gross sick. Two of them are mine. I imagine the only reason the other 2 aren't sick yet is because the baby is too young, and perhaps, just maybe, the older one has already had it. The Trojan Horse. :)

So here it is, Christmas week. I am set to make dinner for 30 people Friday and Saturday. THIRTY PEOPLE. There are things to be made, and my house currently looks like an episode of Cops. All we need is a dirty mattress in the corner and some drug paraphernalia, and we're set.

In my control freak world, this illness will be gone by Wednesday, so that I have 2 days to bleach bomb my house and get treats and things prepped for Friday. I'm sure God is laughing at me right now. I'm pretty hilarious. Because I'm sure that after caring for puking children for 2 days by myself, I am going to be SO EXCITED to clean my house and make pie.

Pray for me.

PS- Why the hell does Pedialyte make colored electrolyte solution? That is JUST WHAT I WANT, is rainbow colored vomit all over everything. Oooh!! Orange!!! PRETTY!!

It's A Sickness.

2010-12-16T17:09:00.000-06:00

I've mentioned a few times that I kind of like grocery shopping. A lot.

Today was a big shopping day. When I run out of basic things to make other things from--like flour, garlic, and baking soda--it is time to go to the store. I had been trying my darndest to stay out of the store, quite successfully, but today I HAD to go.

And go, I went.

I got Christmas food stuffs, but the shining gem of the day was my New Year's Eve gift: A prime rib to cook. *cue angels singing* I love beef. I love prime rib beef the bestest. It makes my heart aflutter. I sort of feel guilty, because I am so much more excited about New Years Eve dinner than I am Christmas dinner, mainly because I am so so tired of turkey and ham. SO tired. But, cooking for 30 means things that feed a crowd, and turkey and ham are 2 of those things. One of these years I am going to surprise the Taylors with Chinese food for Christmas. One of these years...

Back to my awesome prime rib. I am already dreaming of how delicious it will be. I have a recipe perfected for it that encases it in salt, and cooks it low and slow in the oven. Served with a potato, asparagus, and maybe some mushroom red wine reduction? Closest thing to heaven I can get. I think while he's here, I will name him...Bo. Bo Vine. Yum.

Ho Ho Ho-liday Rush.

2010-12-13T10:39:00.000-06:00

Greetings everyone,

This is the time of year that I get into my "I'm too busy to even think, let alone write a blog" groove. There have been birthday parties (including my own), holiday parties, baking, getting together with friends, school, Santa, and general holiday cheer. I will have a month's worth of blogs to write in January, because there have been so many activities. For now, I will give you the picture version of December for the kids. Surprisingly, there aren't pictures of most of the adult activities, but nobody wants to see my mug pasted all over this blog anyways. More to come, so stay tuned. Happy Holidays to you and yours! <3 The Hot Mess Express

I cannot resist a picture of a sleeping baby...

...or a sleeping toddler.

There have been naked baby dance parties with the cousins...

The Hot Mess Christmas tree, 2010

This picture doesn't really get the true excitement my kids had over the tree. It was so fun watching them take it all in. It is going to be a sad day when the tree goes bye bye again for the year.

Sloane got to stay up late and help mama and her friends eat birthday ice cream pie. This picture says "I am adorable, and totally getting away with something by being up."

Sam's first day of school was December 10th. He's growing too fast!

A visit from Santa Claus. Notice my son is basically attacking his sister. Another Christmas card thwarted. Happy Holidays, I suppose. :)

No toddler get together is complete without jumping on the bed.

She Comes By It Honestly...

2010-11-30T16:08:00.000-06:00

To say that my baby daughter likes food is an understatement. The girl loves food. Her life revolves around what is for each meal and snack. She would carry around a bag of treats all day if you let her. You should see her carseat.

So it comes as no surprise to me that she managed a way to get into the Thanksgiving day desserts. Everyone else had gone to the annual Thanksgiving Day movie, and it was just my family and a few other people lazing around after our gorge-fest. Sloane walks into the kitchen with her mouth stuffed full of food. I was curious as to what she was feasting on, so I followed her around to the formal dining room, where the buffet table always holds all of the desserts. And there she was, in her cute little dress, on top of a cooler, chowing down.

That's my girl.

The LeBron James of Spelling...

2010-11-22T09:45:00.000-06:00

As you may well have seen, I have completely abandoned the concept of writing a blog everyday for a month. Like most things, I'm in it to win it for like 2 weeks, and then cooler, more fun things take the place of my blog-writing goal. Blame it on my ADD, which is also the reason that my poor husband hasn't seen a movie in the almost 9 years we have been together. Sorry Johnny.

Anyways, this weekend was a hilarious one. I do not party like a rockstar too much anymore (and even then, it's about half-assed rockstar these days), but this weekend was an exception. John and I were in a charity spelling bee this weekend, and so Friday night we had 3/4 of our team over to "practice" for the spelling bee, which really means we sat around and drank too much wine with a Webster's dictionary in front of us. It was hilarious. I tend to be competitive in nature, so I was a trash talking fool the entire night. I even lamented to my friend Megan, via Facebook chat, that I was "the LeBron James of spelling." Hence, our team name was born. :)

Saturday rolls around, and the spelling bee was a total blast. There are 2 kinds of teams that show up to these charity spelling or trivia or "game-related" events: 1. The kind that are there for the kids regardless of outcome, so they are all about having a good time, or 2. The kind that are competitive ass-hats, who complain about things "not being fair", and drink Diet Pepsi even though beer is free and included in your entry fee. My team is, and always will be the #1's of the crowd. Some of the #2's kept rolling their eyes and laughing at us as we drank beers, spelled words right, and jabbed and cracked jokes with the other teams. We even gave away one of our mulligans to a struggling team that night. BECAUSE IT IS FOR CHARITY. And it is fun.

Needless to say, we showed all those other teams. The LeBron James of spelling not only had the most of fun of the entire event, we WON the spelling bee. Take that, boring people. :) Then we went out celebrating, drinking our beers out of our tiny trophies, and all around having a great time. There was even a pseudo car theft involved, which turned out to be hilarious after it was all said and done.

So, two days of great friends and cocktails meant that John and I went to bed at like 8 last night. It's fun to be a rockstar for a weekend, but I am completely content most of the time to be a boring old housewife who has dinner parties. A boring old housewife who is the LeBron James of spelling.

I heart Grocery Shopping

2010-11-18T20:42:00.000-06:00

A lot. I love scanning the grocery ads, planning the meals, writing and organizing the lists (by aisle), and going to the store. I live for Thursdays, when JT gets paid and I can plan my course of action.

Tonight, with the few coupons that I do clip, my Dillons card, and my cunning ability to save money, I got $200 bucks worth of groceries for $120. That's $80 left over for boxed wine. Maybe even the fancy boxed wine. Oh, the possibilities.

One more step on the road to being geriatric. Pretty soon, I'll be drinking coffee at 8pm. Oh wait. Nevermind.

Things I've Learned As A Mom...

2010-11-17T14:14:00.000-06:00

1. Most parents are not going to parent the way you do. As long as they are doing their best and no one is getting hurt, that is OK.

2. You can eat a peanut butter sandwich with no hands, especially if there is a diaper blowout in your midst.

3. My children can drive me absolutely to the brink of sanity, and reel me back in an instant with a sweet gesture, genuine smile, or I Love You Mama.

4. Portable DVD players are a gift straight from the baby Jesus.

5. Every parent on the planet has experienced a complete child meltdown in the aisles of Target. If they tell you they haven't, they are lying through their teeth.

6. Mom intuition is as powerful a tool as a doctor. If it feels bad to mom, you know it ain't right.

7. It is OK for your kids to not like your friend's kids, but it certainly makes you better friends when they do. :)

8. Lower your expectations for home decor. I love a stylish house, but if it makes me a screaming Cruella DeVille on Xanax, it is not worth it. They will grow up and you can get your depression glass out again. Up high, but it's still out. :)

9. Kids don't care about "stuff." My kids have two favorite things: Sloane's are her blanket and a ball. Sam's are his blanket and a Hot Wheels toy. We've got toys out the wazoo, and these are their cherished things. Grand total price, about 4 bucks. (blanks were gifts from Aunt Ryan)

10. There is no such thing as "too many pictures." I've tried, and I still feel like I have missed so much. They grow too fast.

Lame, with No Regrets.

2010-11-14T21:24:00.000-06:00

Remember at the beginning of this month when I apologized in advance for some of the lame-ness you would all witness? Weekends, you are going to find a lot of it here.

I like to blog, but I like to write really cute or really fun or really quality blogs. I am finding it hard to crank one out each day that I consider good, mainly because I don't have really cute/fun/quality topics happening everyday in my life. Sometimes they are few and far between.

Regardless, I am coming at you lame tonight, because I was hosting a dinner party with friends. Sunday Supper at Casa de Hot Mess. I love having friends over, I love the closeness that my girlfriends and guy friends have with my family. Since most of my family lives a car trip away, many of these friends make for great aunts and uncles "because we think you're awesome, and not because we're blood relatives and have to like you," as one friend puts it.

I am still going to rock the blog-a-day, but sometimes you've just got to live life, and not report it. Tonight is one of those nights. Happy Sunday peeps!

PS- We had Jim and Patti's chicken enchiladas. Totally awesome.

Raising Kids...

2010-11-13T18:04:00.002-06:00

It is hard. Trust me on this.

Oops.

2010-11-12T07:41:00.000-06:00

Well, I failed.

I didn't get a blog posted yesterday. I was busy, tired, and there were still guys here doing work on our house. They found problems yesterday, and had to basically rebuild a side of my house (thank you water damage), but we're all good today and the bill for that extra repair wasn't too bad. Mainly because when you live in a house equivalent to Pandora's box when it comes to home improvements, you learn to save about $1500 more than what any quote is.

And so, here is my I AM A FAILURE blog for today, but I will hopefully get another, better one posted today too. Two in the same day, that should totally make up for missing one, right? RIGHT?

Comin' At You With Crowbars and Sawzalls...

2010-11-10T15:37:00.000-06:00

Well ladies and gentlemen, I am short today on many things. Patience and time being a few of them. We're having our new windows installed today. I love home improvements, but I do not like the process of home improving. There are strangers in my house. Hilariously funny, totally my-kind-of-people strangers in my house, but strangers nonetheless. I am far too neurotic to witness the destruction of my home, but I did manage to get a few pictures today before I collapsed in full panic attack mode.

And so, here's my lame ditty for the day. Here's what a bedroom looks like with no windows. I'm sure my neighbors are loving the sneak peak into my home. Enjoy neighbors. Enjoy blogosphere.

On the menu for tonight: mass quantities of wine. Maybe some food, I don't know yet.

All Roads Lead to Old and Responsible...

2010-11-09T11:37:00.000-06:00

It is becoming ever-so-apparent to me that I am becoming a real, live, breathing adult. I've resisted this notion for a while, but as things have started falling into place in my life, I am starting to give up the ghost. I am a parent, and a homeowner, and a tax payer. I have life insurance AND health insurance. Cuh-razy.

So it comes as no surprise to me that this morning was like an adult version of Christmas at my house. John and I have needed to replace some windows at our house for quite some time, and we finally saved up enough money to make that happen. Turns out, windows are not cheap. John and I used to save money to go to Vegas and buy really important things like Bud Light and hot tubs and dinner out 6 nights a week. Now, we buy windows (and diapers). And we jump up and down and get excited when the Pella man rings our doorbell.

This, my friends, is what a whole lot of money-saving looks like. Sitting on the floor of my garage. Waiting patiently to be installed. It is beautiful. BEAUTIFUL. And it is the reason you don't see us out much anymore.

Next stop, the early bird dinner at Perkins. Oh well. I'll get home in time to stare at my new windows before bedtime at 6:30. :)

A is for Awesome!

2010-11-08T18:16:00.000-06:00

Dinner time at my house most nights is chaos. Between the hours of 4 and 6pm, my kids are usually in the throes of some level of tantrum at my feet, the dogs are barking at the neighbor kids, the phone is ringing, and someone is whining for a snack or movie or trust fund or something. And you know, I'm trying to make dinner, too.

And then dinner is usually it's own adventure. Is Daddy going to be home to eat with us tonight? Which kid will ask for nuggets or cookies first? Who is going to spill their drink? It usually ends up with one or both kids on my lap trying to eat my food, which is the same food that was on their plates but Mom's is on a glass plate so IT MUST BE BETTER.

Tonight, for the first time since I can remember, we had a really really great family dinner. It wasn't anything fancy, (though my meatloaf is sort of the bomb) but we were all together eating at the same time. The kids ate what I cooked, loved it, and wanted more. Nobody cried, or yelled, or threw a fit when they couldn't bring their toys to the table. Sam asked to be excused, and washed his own hands.

WTF has happened to my family? Believe me, I am not complaining, but I could SO get used to this. :)

They even ate their vegetables. Maybe Aunt Kathy needs to come stay more often.

Sunday

2010-11-07T19:24:00.000-06:00

I sat at home most of the day trying to rustle up a blog worthy quip about our awesome weekend, but I just couldn't come up with much. After our full day yesterday at the KU game, John and I did our best to go out and get "crazy." We were home and in bed by 11. Even a free overnight babysitter isn't enough to keep us out when we're tired.

Today, we spent a day with our family making our weekend even more awesome. Homemade breakfast burritos (with homemade tortillas even!), raking and mowing leaves, getting snuggles and kisses from Aunt Kate, and sharing cake and pizza with Aunt Patti and Uncle Jim, and cousin Chase.

Our yard looks awesome, and our hearts are full. I love my family.

Happy Sunday

Happy Birthday Johnny!

2010-11-06T08:48:00.000-05:00

Today is my husband's birthday. This isn't the best photo of him, but I am on his foreign Mac computer and don't know where the better photos are, so you get the idea. This is him roller skating at one of my ridiculous birthday parties. He's awesome like that. :)

Happy Birthday John. You claim that me and the children are the best thing that's ever happened to you, but I think it is the other way around. Thanks for being such a great husband, father, and friend. We love you with all that we've got--even when what we've got is stinky and gross. :) It's all love daddy.

Hope you have a special day with us today, tomorrow, and for years to come.

Love,
Your family

Hansel and Gretel go AWOL

2010-11-05T15:02:00.001-05:00

Once upon a time, there was a very smelly mommy who needed to take a shower. Earlier in the day, mommy had an Oh-My-God moment on the scale and decided to throw out the remaining Halloween cupcakes to protect herself and her ass from more calories. She buried the cupcakes deep in the garbage can so as to not tempt herself with dumpster desserts.

While mommy was in the shower for a whopping 4 minutes, her two scheming children realized they had a supervision free moment and seized the opportunity. Since the boy child has a mind like a steel trap, he remembers that mommy threw cupcakes away this morning. "That mommy, she's crazy like a thyroid. I'm going to get those perfectly tasty cupcakes." Girl child chimed in "I want to help!"

So off they went, to dig through the garbage can. They paid no mind to the fact that mommy had just laboriously scrubbed and detailed her kitchen and dining room. Piles of garbage were strewn all about the freshly mopped floors, in search of sugary goodness. At last they found the cupcakes. They both dug in to them, smearing orange frosting all over their faces and hands. Girl child thought the orange color would be a perfect accent to mommy's newly painted kitchen walls. A glorious time was had by the 2 scheming chidren, for the entire time mommy was showering, and thinking of all the hard work she'd done today, and how great it would be to relax.

Then mommy discovered her scheming children, and there were time outs, Clorox wipes, and a busy afternoon for all. And a Xanax for mommy.

The End.

Thankful Thursday

2010-11-04T10:03:00.000-05:00

Well here it is, Day 4, and I am already sort of slacking off. It's a list! Lists are easy, and I've got grocery shopping and errands to run today. And I've also got to start on my slew of home-made requests that a certain Mr. Birthday Husband has requested. You know, like another one of these:

And so, because I have to go run and slave over a hot stove all day, you get a list.

Today, I want to take a minute and list a few things I am thankful for. I am always thankful for friends and family and jobs, but I thought I'd spice it up and give you a few other not so run-of-the-mill things that get me through most days.

1. Max and Ruby. This series of ridiculous videos saves my life every single day around 4pm. And in the morning. And pretty much any time I need to get something done. It's on right now, matter of fact. I hate this show. Hate it. But if it means I get 3 minutes to put a look together, I will play it and feel ZERO GUILTY.

2. Coffee. Oh, sweet coffee. I never thought I would become my mom, who drinks coffee all day long, but I did. And it is glorious.

3. A savings account. Pretty much every sort of surprise, unexpected thing broke or needed to be paid this week. If it weren't for my savings account, I would be turning tricks on the street corner right now.

4. Halloween candy. I am glad it is gone. So is my ass. It's really glad it's gone, and not via my mouth. I sent it all to JT's work.

5. Tyson frozen chicken nuggets. Because they are pretty much the only thing my very picky son will eat.

So there. It's a short list, but again, how do you expect me to keep my Stay At Home Parent membership card if I don't get all the groceries shopped and a cake baked and a chicken roasted, all while wearing my tiara and pearls and best heels?

Tales of An Election Night Widow

2010-11-03T12:00:00.000-05:00

As I mentioned yesterday, we had an election this week. I have many friends who love elections, love watching the 24 hour, up to the minute coverage, love the discussion, debate, etc., right up until all of the winners are announced.

I used to love these things too. Then I married a newspaper man.

You see, all of that information that everyone craves? He provides it. From the time the polls close to the last ballot counted, my husband has to be all over that like white on rice. Until it is done. Which means I become a newspaper widow.

John worked until 12:30 last night, and he publishes weekly newspapers. WEEKLY people. One day per week. When he worked for the local daily, he worked until all ballots were counted, or until the last possible minute before the press could run.

My husband loves his job, and I do believe he provides an invaluable service to our community and the communities in which he has publications. But man, I could sure do without the 20 hour days he has to work to provide that service.

So, today, give a shout out to the journalists of the world. Because whether you loved the results of yesterday's elections or want to crawl into a cave for the next two years, there were journalists working long hours to provide you your information. And there were journalist's spouses sitting at their house alone with their children, wondering when the hell their husband would be home because they were OVER taking care of kids for the day. :)

Lindsey's Soap Box Issue of the Day

2010-11-02T09:57:00.000-05:00

Today is November 2nd, voting day in the US.

I love to vote. I couldn't wait to turn 18 so that I could vote. I vote in everything my town will let me. There's a vote for city commision? more funding for the bus? the official town juice flavor? I'll be there.

Why? Because people. WHY NOT? We are Americans. We fought for our rights to vote. I am also a woman. Women have only recently been afforded their right to vote (like in the last 100 years). Being able to get up and schlep my kids to the American Legion on voting day is an honor. It's like giving Susan B. Anthony a high five. And, my kids love the stickers, and the little cute ladies who volunteer at the polls love snuggling and holding them while I cast my vote. It's win-win people.

Go vote. Go vote go vote go vote. Be a good person for your country, for your community, hell, for yourself.

And if you don't, I will come to your house and knock you upside the face with a shoe. Because barring an emergency and/or felony, every citizen of this country should be casting a ballot today.

November is NaBloPoMo, Kokomoko

2010-11-01T15:23:00.003-05:00

National Blog Posting Month, folks. Google it.

I started this blog to keep people up to date on the lives of my kids, and I've sort of made it my own thing, too. So, I am going to drink the proverbial Kool-Aid and try and post a blog a day for the entire month of November. I am not a writer by trade, or even by passion, so I guess this is sort of my apology in advance. There could be some way random, ridiculous, and maybe even stupid stuff posted on this page in the coming month, but I am not a quitter, so I am going to do my best.

And so, I start this fresh, new month of November with some general cuteness, courtesy of the tiny terrors.

I look forward to a month of ridicule at my expense. Sit back and enjoy the show.

Me, teaching my kids the finer points of covering/hiding a body with leaves. You know, in case they ever come in contact again with their mommy's crazy cousins.

Super Bunny (from Max and Ruby) and Miss Ladybug. Happiest of Halloween's so far.

If You Give A Mom A Mop Bucket...

2010-10-19T16:02:00.004-05:00

Most days of my life read like the book "If You Give A Moose A Muffin." You know, the book where the moose wants a muffin, and the boy gives it to him, but then the moose wants jam. And of course, the boy doesn't have jam, so they go through this whole rig-a-ma-roll, and at the end of the book the moose still wants another muffin, but there's no jam, and an insanely dirty house and a tired boy. That is my life almost every day.

For instance, on today's agenda I had 3 things. Paint the den and keep 2 children and one dog breathing. I envisioned movies for the kids, a heating pad and a pain pill for the dog, and lots of beautiful butterscotch paint on the walls, all in time for a home made dinner and a shower.

Well folks, here we are at 4pm, and I do have 2 breathing kids, a dog, and a painted den. But there isn't anything thawed for dinner, I am not showered, and my house is a HOT mess.

It was like everytime I got the paint out, one of the kids fell and hurt himself, or they wanted juice, or the dog needed to go out and potty (and since he's drugged up on Fentanyl, I must assist). Or the phone rang. And then it was lunch time, and the kids made a mess, so I got out the vacuum, then the mop, then the kids went to nap, then I at last got the paint out again. And I painted, while both of my kids, unbeknownst to me, thrashed their rooms.

So, I cleaned their rooms. And did a load of laundry, since I noticed their hamper was full. And I answered more calls, and I made more snacks (for everyone but me, since I just realized I haven't eaten since breakfast). And now it is 4pm and I am flippin' exhausted, unshowered, and have a meeting at 6:30 and my house has nothing to show for the fact that at snippets during the day, it has all been wiped down, picked up, or swept at least once.

I am woman, see me multi-task. Perhaps a bit ass backwards and haphazardly, but multi-task nonetheless. :)

Bliss

2010-10-17T14:07:00.002-05:00

I haven't eaten candy corn for about 20 years now. When I was a child, it was because there were way better candy options out there, and candy corn was what your crazy, cheap grandmother gave you for Halloween. A collective groan was let out when the bag of nasty candy corn was pulled out, probably saved over from the year before. Nobody loved candy corn.

Fast forward to present day, and boy, was I wrong as a child. Thanks to my friends Kate and Susan, I now have a new MOST FAVORITE TREAT IN THE ENTIRE WORLD. It's a simple recipe, really. Are you ready?

Candy corn. One bag of candy corn, to be precise.

add

half a jar of dry roasted peanuts.

Mix together, and consume in mass quantities. Oh people, it is heaven. It is so awesome, John and I have been sneaking handfuls and hiding in the bathroom to eat it. It is that good.

The cherry on top of this dessert? My kids hate it, so I can eat it right in front of them and they could care less. This never happens, which makes me love this treat even more!

Candy corn and peanuts. Proof that it really doesn't take much to make me happy anymore. :)

Our Trip To The Pumpkin Patch

2010-10-13T14:07:00.003-05:00

I love fall.

I'm sure I've mentioned that before, but it's true. One of the first real signs of fall for me is a trip to the pumpkin patch. In years past, it's been sort of cold, and we've worn sweaters and sipped cocoa while trudging through the fields for our perfect pumpkins. This year however, the weather was perfect, the sun was shining, and it was a beautiful day. The one snag in the plans (and believe me, there is always one), was that by some freak occurance of science, my daughter managed to spike a 104 fever between our house and the pumpkin patch, a mere 10 minutes away. Being the Mother of The Year that I am, we schlepped her through anyway, being sure that she didn't get too close to anyone else's family.

Suffice it to say, Sloane wasn't exactly photogenic on this day, but I did manage to get some great shots of Sam, who is the often elusive one.

My biggest pumpkin, Sam.

Come on mom! This way!

Hmm...this one is OK, I guess.

I found one!

Look how tall I've grown!

When is someone gonna pick me up again?

Smudging My Life

2010-10-11T19:21:00.003-05:00

Usually, I am a glass-half-full person. Whatever the curve ball thrown, I can dodge it, or hit that crap out of the ball park. This week, however, has been nothing but a series of What the F moments. And I am tired of it.

I have an all natural hippy dippy friend that burns sage (also called smudging) when she feels like evil and negative energy are crowding her aura or space or whatever she calls it. I don't even like to eat sage, so I am sure as hell not going to be burning it in my home to clear the bad, but I can at least write out a long list of shitty-ness happening in my life in the hopes that the sun might shine a little brighter around here.

My family is in turmoil, and it makes me very sad to see people fighting over money and possesions. On the bright side, it has made me closer to my parents and siblings, and I have learned that it is best to not show your favortism to your kids (even if you do prefer one over the other), and I've also learned that I am spending every cent of my money before I die, so that nobody has anything to fight over. I take solace in the fact that the offending family members are on a roller coaster to hell, first class.

My baby dog, Jackson, has cancer. :( His biopsy results haven't come back yet, but I am hopeful that it is just a tumor that can be removed and he'll go on to live many more happy years. He's almost 10 years old though, so even if the results are bad, he's had an awesome 10 years as the most spoiled weiner dog on the planet. The biggest heart wrencher for me will be explaining it to my kids, because they adore him so. He's also the last remaining sliver of my life before family, and I can't help but be sad to lose that final piece.

We are sick sick sick around here. This week there have been multiple trips to the pediatrician (and the vet for the dog), and Sloane today got to experience the loveliness of a blood draw and a catheterization. Poor girl, I owe her a pony for being such a brave big girl. She made me cry when she sobbed "mommy ow ow, mommmmmyyyyy". But as soon as the nurse broke out the Elmo stickers, all was again right with the world. My pediatrician will probably be driving a new car next time I see him, because we have given him quite the business this past 2 weeks. Add to that the fact that even my husband was sick (sick husband=biggest baby in the entire world), and I've had it with the illin', yo.

I got to experience first hand this week the sleaziness of a shady business person. We got an unexpected bill for things that I had understood as part of the package we'd worked out. Well, I paid the damn bill after arguing about it for a while, but suffice it to say I reported that jackass to the Better Business Bureau and will never be doing business with him again. He's also on the roller coaster to hell.

Whew. That feels better. Sort of. Now, let's hope it was enough to get rid of the bad around here for a while, or I will be going down to the Sacred Sword or whatever they are calling the metaphysical mart these days, to get me some sage. And maybe to Ray's Liquor Warehouse for a box of wine.

Friday Confessions

2010-10-01T09:38:00.002-05:00

1. I do not like being a mom to my son right now. He tries to find every possible way to either A. Give me a heart attack, or B. Make me want to strangle him. Yesterday, while I was in the shower for a whopping 4 minutes, he took his peanut butter sandwich and smeared it all over the dining room windows, walls and table. I love him, but Sam is the reason that mommy drinks right now.

2. I am shopping and prepping today for a dinner party with Ms. Flying Fork tomorrow. I cannot tell you how excited I am to have a friend over to cook fancy foods and drink sangria. For you Megan, I will scrub my bathroom. :)

3. I have never been so excited in my life to get new....windows. My name is Lindsey, and I am a loser.

4. I secretly purchased a bag of Halloween candy, and have been enjoying it all by myself.

5. Fall is my favorite season.

6. We have plans tonight, but the possibility is great that JT will come home, and we will put on sweatpants and watch Antiques Roadshow instead. And that is 100% OK with me.

A Math Equation...

2010-09-23T15:45:00.002-05:00

1 crazy, half-blind, 84 year old grandmother
+
2 toddlers
+
4 immunizations and one flu shot at the pediatrician's office
+
1 bid for windows that absolutely HAVE to be replaced
+
dealing with the idiot contractor who is supposed to be doing our fence
+
having to grocery shop with the above mentioned crazy grandmother and 2 cranky toddlers
=
6 glasses of wine for the stressed out, crazy busy mama tonight.

Life with Grandma L...

2010-09-14T16:42:00.002-05:00

My grammy is visiting right now. I love her to pieces, and she's a fiesty octagenarian who loves Jayhawks and spoils my kids rotten. Sadly, she's starting to have some...eh...shall we say "moments not of this world." She's still got her wits about her, but some of the things she says are completely random and at times, utterly hilarious.

And so, I give you...Shit My Grandma Says.

Me: These kids are driving me nuts today.
Grandma: Peanuts? I love peanuts. I could go put in my teeth and we could have some...

************************************

Grandma: Sloane looks just like you Linny, except she's missing your fiery attitude...

***********************************

Grandma: I need to go back to school. I'm losing my memory. Maybe I could take a KU class while I'm here.
Me: Grandma, classes already started...and why do you want to go back to school? Just enjoy the rest of your life.
Grandma: My mind is going, and I need to find someone to catch up to it.

***********************************

Grandma: I need my hair colored. I'm tired of the gray.
Me: OK gran, what color are you thinking?
Grandma: Oh, maybe a blonde color...think they could do that? I want to look younger.

**********************************

Grandma: Did you know Lady Gaga wore a meat dress to some award show?
Me: You know who Lady Gaga is?
Grandma: I saw her on Headline News. What in the hell is wrong in her head? A meat dress? They'd have killed her for wasting food like that when I was a kid.

Because I Like to Document My Parenting Failures...

2010-09-09T09:12:00.002-05:00

Poor Sloaney.

She got into a tug of war with her mean big brother, who pulled her down onto the concrete. Being the stubborn girl that she is, she didn't let go of the rope, and her nose took the brunt of the fall.

Hamburger face. Another milestone reached on board the Hot Mess Express.

A Quick Update...

2010-09-02T09:51:00.003-05:00

I have been running around like a chicken with my head cut off, hence the lack of blogging lately. But, I came up for air long enough to write everyone a quick update...

Sam is still loving the Little Caesar's ads, but not with the lust that he once did. I see a break up in my future.

Sloane has learned to give kisses, and now wants to kiss everyone from the dog to the checkout lady at Dillons. Adorable, yet frightening.

I am blazing through the last few weeks of prep work before the Humane Society auction, of which I am the donation coordinator. Charity work is not always fun. Fulfilling, yes...fun, no. I'm ready for the event to happen so I can get back to my somewhat normal life.

We are planning on doing ZERO for Labor Day weekend. No plans, and I couldn't be happier. We may go to a tailgate with the lovely Miss Flying Fork and her family, but that's it.

Some recent events in life have given me a new perspective on my family and children. Hold your families close people, because nobody is promised tomorrow.

We got revenge on a friend last weekend for her birthday chainsaw to Sam for his first birthday. I found the loudest, most annoying farm animal learning tool, with no on/off switch or volume control. Happy Birthday, little one! Pay back is a B, mama. ;)

Have a great labor day everyone! Be safe and have fun!

More Proof Kids Are Nuts...

2010-08-24T11:48:00.002-05:00

It's been an interesting past couple of days here. Everyone has been super busy, and stressed out, and trying to stay smiling...the adults, that is. The kids have been oblivious to it all, which is just the way John and I like it. But, I swear, it's like they know we need a laugh right now.

Their new favorite thing in the whole wide world? A newspaper insert advertising Little Caesars $5 pepperoni pizza. They are enamored with it. John had to bring home another few, so that they wouldn't hobo fight over just the one.

Sam slept with his last night, even going so far as falling asleep while saying "pizza! pizza!" (the Little Caesars slogan in the 90's). When he woke up, he came out of his room carrying the insert, and talking to me about Hot! Fresh! and Ready! pizza. He read it, so it must be true.

So far today, we've taken the Little Caesars ad everywhere we've been. Currently, the kids are sitting on the couch with their respective ads, jibbering about them and waving them in the air, laughing hysterically.

It's a laugh a minute, and JT and I have been cracking up all day over it.

Who knew such joy could come from yesterday's news. Why do we have toys again?

Our Summer Rite of Passage

2010-08-23T10:19:00.003-05:00

Every family has a trip or event that signifies the beginning or ending of a season of their life. For some, it is a yearly visit to a family member's house, or going to their cabin on the lake. For my family, it's a trip to the sunflower fields just north of our town.

We've been taking the kids to the sunflower field since they were little babies. It's been fun looking back on the past 3 years, and seeing how much the children and John and I have changed. These fields of yellow flowers still take my breath away, and I never grow tired of looking out over the sea and making wishes and dreaming big.

It is a summer rite that I look forward to, and hold very dear to my heart. So, farmer who plants these fields, you are on the hook for the next 18 or so years, OK? Don't mess with my happy place, and the happy place of many other people. ;)

It's a dirty job being cute.

Pretty girl

My family

My loves

Dreams vs. Reality

2010-08-19T09:48:00.003-05:00

When I started this gig as a stay home mom, here's what I thought my days would consist of:

Cuddle
Play
Change Diapers
Cuddle
Play
Make A Gourmet Dinner
Family Time
Bedtime
--mind you, all in the comforts of my beautiful, immaculately clean home.

Here's the reality:
-Referree a cage match most of the waking hours of my toddlers.
-Clean up kid messes. (repeat 309 times daily)
-"CHOCK MEEELK MAMA! CHOOOOOCCCCKK MEEEELLLKKK"
-Clean up husband messes.
-Make dinners, lunches, and breakfasts that my children may or may not eat.
-Explain to Sam, for the 13th time in 20 minutes, why hitting his sister means time out.
-Haphazard trips to the grocery store, Target, etc, where my kids may or may not have a complete and total meltdown, and even with a list, I still manage to forget a key ingredient for tonight's not-so-gourmet meal.
-Keep the house from becoming a biohazard.

Don't get me wrong, my job's got it's perks...but they seem to glaze over the bogus parts in the pamphlet. :)

Random Summer Adorable-ness

2010-08-16T15:43:00.002-05:00

Adorable-ness. Is that even a word? Well, when I'm talking about my children it most certainly is. I realized that I haven't posted many cute pictures of the kiddos here for a spell, and I sometimes forget that there are still like, 5 people in the world who don't have Facebook. Three of them read my blog. :)

Sidebar though: For reals Mom. Get a damn Facebook. Even your sister has one, and you're an IT manager for heaven's sake. Get into the now.

OK, sidebar over. Here's some cute pictures of what the kids have been up to this summer. You know, when we aren't leaving them with God and everyone so that we can jet set all over the US. :)

Sloane was keeping Nene's dogs company. Murphy and Bailey look SO excited to see her.

Sam got a big boy haircut. He was very un-big boy-like about it, but he's proof that anyone can be bribed with Hershey kisses and box juice.

Climbing the slide at Sammah and Papa's house. Happiness.

Aunt Kathy's best birthday gift to Sam was to come drag him all over my house in a diaper box. Seriously. He loved it. Why do we have toys again?

Kermit, the dumbest cat ever, letting Sloane give him hugs. And pull his tail.

And lay on him. And smile. And look adorable.

Birthday pool party day. Super happy boy!

Ms. Diva Saggy Pants herself, rockin' the teeny bikini.

Ode to Blue Betty Badass

2010-08-10T19:14:00.003-05:00

This is one of my best friends. For real. Her name is Blue Betty Badass because, well, she is the bee's knees.

She can whip up a batch of cookies in no time. Fifty cupcakes by this afternoon? Girl, please. Tonight, after discovering that my pita bread for pita pizza was spoiled (grr), I turned to my pantry, and to Blue Betty Badass, and we cranked out some delicious and cheap pizza crust. For the first time in my life. And Betty didn't even flinch. And I will never again rely on store bought ridiculousness for pizza.

Tonight, I raise my glass to you Triple B. I like you more than most people, and you dazzle the Dinner Party Circuit with your awesomeness, and don't even get mad when I take all the credit.

I see a lot of hacked off PTA moms in our future together. :)

My Happiness Project

2010-08-10T09:11:00.003-05:00

Seriously folks, is it the heat or something?

I am so tired of people being rude. Rude to eachother, rude to complete strangers...just rude. Yes, it is hot outside. Yes, we are all suffering in some way because of the current state of the economy. But since when does that give anyone the right to treat people so badly?

I have even noticed the trend in my mom's group. Women who I otherwise have seen as pleasant ladies spewing their catty bitchiness. Not building eachother up, but jumping in at any moment they can to tear someone down.

I am so sick of it. Women--let's act like adults! Adults! Let's act like civilized individuals! You don't have to like, love, or even agree with someone's stance on a particular topic, or the way they live, or the grocery store they frequent....but JESUS. Let's just all get along already.

I continually teach my children that some people live differently than we do, but that doesn't mean they are wrong. I teach them to love and respect all people. I teach them that it isn't polite to be rude to someone. And then I open up a facebook page, or come upon a group of people arguing on the street, or see people kicking another while they are down. Adults doing these things.

How am I to teach my kids to be polite, respectful citizens of the world if all they see around them is a bunch of people being ass hats?

So, my challenge for all of you is to be nice today. Keep your hateful thoughts inside. Smile at a stranger. Be compassionate to the mom with the 2 screaming kids at the library (that will probably be me ;) ). Everyone in life has their own battles to fight, and you never know what a smile can do to help someone get through their day. To make them feel like it's OK to trudge along. To reassure them that they are doing the best they can.

Everytime you smile at someone, it is an action of love, a gift to that person, a beautiful thing. ~Mother Teresa

Happy Birthday Samuel!

2010-08-08T08:17:00.002-05:00

Three years ago today, John and I welcomed a very special little boy into our lives. A little 7 pound miracle. The baby we had wished for.

Happy Birthday Samuel.

You are my quiet and shy little boy. You have a smile that can melt my heart, and you get away with a lot more than you should because of your giant blue eyes and your sweet little voice. You love your sister TT to pieces, and for now, I share the center of your universe with cars, firetrucks, cups and balls. :)

I hope you enjoy your special day...I can say with certainty that all of the days since you were born have been special to me in their own way. I love you more than you can imagine, and I know your Daddy feels the same way.

Three years old. Wow. Where have these years gone? Happy Birthday Sam. I love you.

Friday Confessions

2010-08-06T14:27:00.002-05:00

1. I have been eyeing the vodka pretty much all day long. Both kids are teething, and whiny, and I'm about to lose it.

2. I'm getting ready to turn my phone off and throw it in my pond. Perhaps hermits in the woods have something right after all...

3. The next rude, inconsiderate person I talk to on the phone is going to get an earful, and if I see them in public I might just punch them right in the face. For REALS people, it's called CUSTOMER SERVICE, not Customer--Screw You, I Don't Feel Like Dealing With You.

4. I love birthdays.

5. I can't believe I have a 3 year old boy.

6. Sam has already had 3 birthday cakes, and will have numbers 4 and 5 this weekend. All things in moderation, but we like to have birthday weeks around here.

7. I am a crabby, emotional HOT MESS today. Here's to a better weekend!

Happy Birthday Nene!

2010-08-06T08:52:00.002-05:00

Today is my friend Jeannene's birthday. She doesn't much like celebrating, but since I love birthdays, I just couldn't help myself. :)

Thanks for being an awesome friend, and an auntie to my kiddos. I love you, and your sweet little wonder twins! I hope you have a great birthday. You deserve it.

Happy 25th Jeannene. Again. ;)

What Do A Slab of Bologna and A Solo Cup Have In Common?

2010-08-02T08:51:00.002-05:00

....they've both been (or soon will be) birthday cakes for my kids.

After Sam's first birthday party, where I spent WAY too much money on a store bought, Nemo-themed cake, I vowed to always try to make my kid's birthday cakes. It's cheap, it's easy, and I honestly really love doing it. It's become a contest between my husband and me to see who can come up with the most ridiculous cake for our kids that they will love.

Sloane's nickname is "Sloaney Baloney", so what better way to show her our love than with a giant slab of bologna in cake form. I thought it was beautiful, and she loved it. We all had a great laugh, and it's got it's own page in her baby book. Memories, my friends. John and I have decided that we will incorporate some sort of bologna into all of her parties for the next, oh, 20 years. :)

Sam's first cake post-Nemo was a train cake. The kid is crazy about trains. It was so easy to make, and again, he loved it. This was my first cake creation, and I was very proud of it, too.

So here we are....a week away from Sam turning three years old. We were all sitting in the living room last night, and Sam brings down his giant stack of red Solo cups to play with. Yes, he loves cups so much that we bought him his very own package. He stacks them, carries things around in them, and would sleep with one if given the chance. Eureka....we've got a cake idea.

Yes, I am making my son a red Solo cup birthday cake. And he is super excited about it. And I am super excited about making him happy on his birthday. So, Solo cup cake mold be damned, I am going to try and make his birthday wishes come true. :)

Reason #4958 Why My Husband Will Never Leave Me

2010-07-29T17:00:00.004-05:00

Dear Husband,

You owe me big time. We spent all day at the pool, in the heat and sun and water. Tonight is my 3 hour grocery store/Target shopping night. The kids are going to be in bed at like 6:30, and you'll have the house to yourself while I'm out hunting and gathering. I envision a child-free Cardinals game in your future.

I give you all the easy ones.

I am Wife of the Year. You're welcome.

-Lindsey

Monday's Milestone...

2010-07-26T15:07:00.002-05:00

Wah wah waaaahhh. I used to have babies. I used to be up to my elbows in infant gear, bibs, bottles, and burp rags.

I've thrown the bottles out, and now use the burp rags to dust or clean up random disgusting things. Today, I took down the crib. The BABY crib. Sloane moved on up to the east side of Toddlertown, and got herself a nice, not-so-new big girl bed. And Sam got himself a super big boy bed. They are so proud, and I am once again flipping through photo albums, bawling and clutching my children, and begging them not to grow up so fast.

There are no more babies in my house. Just toddlers and big boys now.

Pass the Kleenex. :'(

What Kind of Mom Are You?

2010-07-21T16:38:00.002-05:00

I was asked this question recently...and I didn't know how to respond. What do you mean "what kind of mom am I?" The person asking was looking for a neat little category to put me in, like "Earth Mom" or "Martini Drinking, Pill Popping Boozehound Mom." I started thinking about it, and I guess I'm a little bit of everything wrapped up into one. For instance I am a mom that:

1. Likes to recycle and compost, but Pampers and Similac are my heros.
2. fixes my kids healthy, nutritious foods 99% of the time, but also makes special trips to McDonalds for going #2 on the potty. And I hide Oreos.
3. thinks it's hilarious when my 3 year old's favorite song is "Blame it on the al-al-al-al-al-alcohol"
4. vaccinates my kids, but asks "is it really necessary" to give antibiotics.
5. loves babyGap but LOVES bargain garage-sale finds on kids clothes.
6. has zero problems with evening play dates also being evening adult social hour.
7. is appreciative of my role as a stay home mom, but totally jealous of my workin' moms out there kickin' ass and taking names.

So, what is this? Somebody tell me, so I can alert the gaggles of people who ask me what I am everyday. Right now, I just tell them "an awesome mom." Because even though we all do something differently, if raising healthy, well adjusted kids is your goal, then what is there to worry about?

Lesson of the Day

2010-07-20T14:30:00.002-05:00

Seashells do not travel through the laundry well. All of the beautiful sand dollars that John and I gathered on the Oregon coast were left in his cargo shorts, and are now in 10,000 bits inside of my dryer.

FML.

Kids Are Rough On Your Body

2010-07-19T19:42:00.003-05:00

It isn't enough that the simple process of growing and bearing a child completely destroys your body, the kids keep messing it up after they are born, too!

As you know, Sloane gave me a broken nose and black eye a few weeks back after pile driving my face with a bottle of milk. Well, today, I was navigating Sam's bedroom that is littered with every toy known to man. I stepped sideways on one of those straight-from-hell Matchbox cars, and was down on the ground screaming obscenities faster than a speeding bullet. Holy hell, the pain.

So, here I sit, jacked up on Tylenol 3 and sporting a flippin' walking boot. But at least it is 100 degrees with 90% humidity. My friend Jeannene suggested I bling it out, and I'm actually taking it into consideration, seeing as nothing goes with shorts more than rhinestones and ribbons. :)

So, note to the rookie parents out there: The stretch marks will fade over time (if you're lucky), but that doesn't mean your kids won't find some other cool scar or hospital bill to give you for a lasting memory that you chose to bring them into the world.

Wacky Wedding Season: Take Two

2010-07-19T16:37:00.002-05:00

The second stop on our crazy wedding tour took us to Denver, Colorado. I am quite familiar with Colorado, seeing as it was a regular vacation spot when I was growing up in western Kansas. Joe and Christine's wedding reception was at a really cool golf course outside Highlands Ranch, and the rocks were amazing! It was so great to see them, and share in their special day.

John and I took their wedding as an opportunity for a mini vacation. The Cardinals were playing the Rockies while we were there, and the Cards are kind of my husbands favorite team on the planet. So we went to a game, and a few breweries, and the science museum. It was a great vacation!

What an awesome view!
Congrats to Joe and Christine!

Wacky Wedding Season: Take One

2010-07-19T16:12:00.002-05:00

Every grown up I know tells me they had a year in their life where it seemed like everyone and their dog got married.

This was my year.

Me? I was married almost 5 years ago. I know, I am such a trendsetter. ;)

First on the wedding train: Hayden and Kieu. They had a beautiful ceremony, and a black-tie reception on the Plaza. I got to wear and evening gown, and see my hubs in a tuxedo. It was good times. Very, very good times.

This, my friends, is where it all went wrong. Or all went right, to some.

Hayden with all the DC girls.

Cutting their beautiful cake tower!

We clean up nice.

These ladies have been my friends for EVER. And I do mean EVER.

There were many photos from this evening, but Sam is already calling me to come read him a book on the potty, so I had to wrap it up. :) It was great to feel like a princess for a day, I can't even imagine how Kieu felt.

Congrats you two! On to the next one...

Congrats!

2010-07-09T16:35:00.001-05:00

I am an aunt! Again! Congrats Megan and Chris, I can't wait to hold a cute, tiny, sleeping, precious baby. Hopefully he's got a name by then, though I do like the ring of baby Tarzan. :)

Vacation's All I Ever Wanted...

2010-07-07T22:27:00.002-05:00

A great big SHOUT OUT to sister Kathy. In a mere 7 hours, I will be on a plane to Colorado with my husband. Without children. For 3 whole days.

I am sad, but I am so, so happy, too. I need a vacation. And I am getting one.

Hooray. Hooray. Hooray.

I will miss my little schnugs. I cried when I put them to bed tonight. But mama needs a break, and they need to learn that there are a whole slew of SUPER COOL aunts, uncles, and grandparents that they should love hanging out with. Hell, their aunts, uncles, and grandparents are cooler than I am. And they need to know it. And I need an excuse to drink a guilt-free beer at 1 in the afternoon, JUST BECAUSE I WANT TO.

Also, a big congrats to Joe and Christine. I can't wait to share in your special day with you.

Off to the Rockies! Peace out!

Lesson of the Day

2010-06-29T10:44:00.004-05:00

They say that if you don't learn something new everyday, that day is lost.

Today, I learned not to let your children hover above you with things in their hands. I was laying on the floor, and Sloane was standing at my head giggling at me with a full bottle of milk. A full bottle of milk that fell out of her hands, and landed square on my nose.

I can't wait to show off my black eyes at my friend's wedding next week.

Melt

2010-06-25T15:53:00.002-05:00

This picture makes my heart feel super happy. We ventured downtown with Grandma Lolly to get some ice cream, and I was playing paparazzi, like always.

My husband is tops.

The Hot Mess Express

A Day In The Life...

Valentine Hell

Wherein I Bitch...

My Family Is Nuttier Than A Fruitcake.

Damn Kids.

Deal With It, LTrain.

Not Goodbye, but See You Soon?

Wow.

Vegas or Bust

Deuces, 2011

Stuff my Sloaney Says

Monday Musings

Is This Thing On?

Overheard in the Backseat

Sam's First Day

Cuteness

Cake Wreck: Sombrero Edition

Happiest of Birthdays, My Sweet Sam.

Like Mommy, Like Sloaney

Saying Goodbye

I'm Famous! Ish.

Lowered Expectations, Volume 17

Appetite for Destruction

Summertime

Because I Don't Have Enough To Do...

Kids Might Say The Darndest Things, But Mama's Got Some Doozies, Too.

Friday Confessions

Aloha Friday!

It's Raining, It's Pouring...

Today's Theme: Leaks, Laundry, and Lowered Expectations.

Have A Laugh At My Expense.

Between A Rock And A Hard Place

Mars and Venus

Things That I Love: Tuesday Night Supper Club

Life: Hot Mess Style

One of the Best Vacations Ever.

Happy Birthday, Baby Girl!

Dude You Don't Understand, I'm From Kansas.

Mele Kalikimaka in March

What's Goin' On...

Super Bowl, stupid bowl...where's the food table?

Who Has Two Thumbs And Is Sick Of Winter?

Mama Don't Get Out Much.

A Picture Worth A Thousand Dollars. Of Savings, That Is.

If You're Wondering Why My Children Are Filthy And The House Is A Mess...

Cabin Fever.

Winter Fun

Hail, His Almighty Powers

Mittens on My Heart

Adios, 2010

It's An Actual Sickness.

It's A Sickness.

Ho Ho Ho-liday Rush.

She Comes By It Honestly...

The LeBron James of Spelling...

I *heart* Grocery Shopping

Things I've Learned As A Mom...

Lame, with No Regrets.

Raising Kids...

Oops.

Comin' At You With Crowbars and Sawzalls...

All Roads Lead to Old and Responsible...

A is for Awesome!

Sunday

Happy Birthday Johnny!

Hansel and Gretel go AWOL

Thankful Thursday

Tales of An Election Night Widow

Lindsey's Soap Box Issue of the Day

November is NaBloPoMo, Kokomoko

If You Give A Mom A Mop Bucket...

Bliss

Our Trip To The Pumpkin Patch

Smudging My Life

Friday Confessions

A Math Equation...

Life with Grandma L...

Because I Like to Document My Parenting Failures...

A Quick Update...

I heart Grocery Shopping