Thursday, July 5, 2012

Tales From Depression Land

Las Vegas sucks.  There, I said it.

Things here are hard for me.  No friends. No family.  Yada yada.  You know what though?  Remove yourself from everything you've ever known for 30 years.  It is hard.  I know there are new opportunities and people and fun stuff.  But I still miss the bajeezus out of everything from home. Yes, my family is here, and we are all together.  I also thing that last sentence is a crock of bullshit.  My family is not here.  My husband and kids are here, yes...but my family...the rest of my core that helped with all the crazy, was there for the ugly, or came for dinner, or joined you for a glass of wine, or just plain joined you while you folded laundry...are not here.  They are all moving on with their lives...back home...not here.

I have been having a more difficult time than I ever imagined. I sort of hate myself for it.  I am adventurous!! I am fun!! I like a challenge!!!  Well, I already have a challenge in my almost 5 year old.  I am fun. I am adventurous. But I live in a city that is an Adult play ground, and not a child's.  Casinos and shows on the strip are SO FUN! If you are 18 and have a babysitter.  My children are minors, and I have no sitter, unless you count PBS Vegas TV.

Depression has sunk in.  It's something I have struggled with my entire adult life, and here it is again.  Dark, and stormy, and full of futility and hopelessness. I'm being proactive though---therapists, taking my medicines, getting Sam lined up in the therapy/school department.  It just feels like it isn't enough though.  I am sad. Sad sad sad as I've ever been.  I hate it.  John doesn't know what to do.  I don't know what to tell him to do.  And so, I sit...every evening, while the kids and spouse are in bed, and question myself as to what I can do to shake this soon.

I hate it. I hate being and feeling completely alone on an island in the middle of the desert.

I'm slowly meeting people. I don't foresee myself feeling "settled" until we get into our house...hopefully in a few months.  Foreclosures suck, too.  Nevada, and Vegas, and foreclosures, and moving, and being I hold out hope that it gets better soon. That's really all you can do sometimes...I am not in control of anything except how I feel about things....and as long as I do my best to change what I can control, I can accept what I cannot control.

Depression in Vegas. Who'd have thunk it?