Friday, December 31, 2010

Adios, 2010

My recipe for a proper send off to 2010 goes a little something like this:

1. big slab o meat
2. house full of friends
3. stocked bar

Hope your 2011 is the best ever, peeps!

Happy New Year!

Monday, December 20, 2010

It's An Actual Sickness.

Damn the luck.

We went to visit my parents for our family Christmas this weekend.  My family has had a population explosion here in the past 4 years, and there are now 6 grandchildren ranging in age from 4 years to 6 months old. It was a lovely time, the cousins all played together, loved on eachother, and were very good at sharing everything.

Very good at sharing. Everything.

Four out of those 6 are now sick. Super sick. Gross sick. Two of them are mine.  I imagine the only reason the other 2 aren't sick yet is because the baby is too young, and perhaps, just maybe, the older one has already had it. The Trojan Horse. :)

So here it is, Christmas week. I am set to make dinner for 30 people Friday and Saturday. THIRTY PEOPLE.  There are things to be made, and my house currently looks like an episode of Cops. All we need is a dirty mattress in the corner and some drug paraphernalia, and we're set.

In my control freak world, this illness will be gone by Wednesday, so that I have 2 days to bleach bomb my house and get treats and things prepped for Friday.  I'm sure God is laughing at me right now. I'm pretty hilarious.  Because I'm sure that after caring for puking children for 2 days by myself, I am going to be SO EXCITED to clean my house and make pie.

Pray for me.

PS- Why the hell does Pedialyte make colored electrolyte solution? That is JUST WHAT I WANT, is rainbow colored vomit all over everything. Oooh!! Orange!!! PRETTY!!

Thursday, December 16, 2010

It's A Sickness.

I've mentioned a few times that I kind of like grocery shopping. A lot.

Today was a big shopping day. When I run out of basic things to make other things from--like flour, garlic, and baking soda--it is time to go to the store. I had been trying my darndest to stay out of the store, quite successfully, but today I HAD to go.

And go, I went.

I got Christmas food stuffs, but the shining gem of the day was my New Year's Eve gift: A prime rib to cook. *cue angels singing*  I love beef. I love prime rib beef the bestest.  It makes my heart aflutter.  I sort of feel guilty, because I am so much more excited about New Years Eve dinner than I am Christmas dinner, mainly because I am so so tired of turkey and ham. SO tired. But, cooking for 30 means things that feed a crowd, and turkey and ham are 2 of those things. One of these years I am going to surprise the Taylors with Chinese food for Christmas. One of these years...

Back to my awesome prime rib. I am already dreaming of how delicious it will be. I have a recipe perfected for it that encases it in salt, and cooks it low and slow in the oven.  Served with a potato, asparagus, and maybe some mushroom red wine reduction? Closest thing to heaven I can get.  I think while he's here, I will name him...Bo. Bo Vine. Yum.

Monday, December 13, 2010

Ho Ho Ho-liday Rush.

Greetings everyone,

This is the time of year that I get into my "I'm too busy to even think, let alone write a blog" groove.  There have been birthday parties (including my own), holiday parties, baking, getting together with friends, school, Santa, and general holiday cheer.  I will have a month's worth of blogs to write in January, because there have been so many activities.  For now, I will give you the picture version of December for the kids. Surprisingly, there aren't pictures of most of the adult activities, but nobody wants to see my mug pasted all over this blog anyways.  More to come, so stay tuned.  Happy Holidays to you and yours! <3 The Hot Mess Express

 I cannot resist a picture of a sleeping baby...
 ...or a sleeping toddler.
 There have been naked baby dance parties with the cousins...
 The Hot Mess Christmas tree, 2010
 This picture doesn't really get the true excitement my kids had over the tree. It was so fun watching them take it all in. It is going to be a sad day when the tree goes bye bye again for the year.
 Sloane got to stay up late and help mama and her friends eat birthday ice cream pie. This picture says "I am adorable, and totally getting away with something by being up."
 Sam's first day of school was December 10th. He's growing too fast!
 A visit from Santa Claus. Notice my son is basically attacking his sister. Another Christmas card thwarted. Happy Holidays, I suppose. :)
No toddler get together is complete without jumping on the bed.

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

She Comes By It Honestly...

To say that my baby daughter likes food is an understatement.  The girl loves food.  Her life revolves around what is for each meal and snack. She would carry around a bag of treats all day if you let her. You should see her carseat.

So it comes as no surprise to me that she managed a way to get into the Thanksgiving day desserts.  Everyone else had gone to the annual Thanksgiving Day movie, and it was just my family and a few other people lazing around after our gorge-fest.  Sloane walks into the kitchen with her mouth stuffed full of food. I was curious as to what she was feasting on, so I followed her around to the formal dining room, where the buffet table always holds all of the desserts.  And there she was, in her cute little dress, on top of a cooler, chowing down.

That's my girl.

Monday, November 22, 2010

The LeBron James of Spelling...

As you may well have seen, I have completely abandoned the concept of writing a blog everyday for a month. Like most things, I'm in it to win it for like 2 weeks, and then cooler, more fun things take the place of my blog-writing goal.  Blame it on my ADD, which is also the reason that my poor husband hasn't seen a movie in the almost 9 years we have been together. Sorry Johnny.

Anyways, this weekend was a hilarious one. I do not party like a rockstar too much anymore (and even then, it's about half-assed rockstar these days), but this weekend was an exception.  John and I were in a charity spelling bee this weekend, and so Friday night we had 3/4 of our team over to "practice" for the spelling bee, which really means we sat around and drank too much wine with a Webster's dictionary in front of us.  It was hilarious.  I tend to be competitive in nature, so I was a trash talking fool the entire night. I even lamented to my friend Megan, via Facebook chat, that I was "the LeBron James of spelling." Hence, our team name was born. :)

Saturday rolls around, and the spelling bee was a total blast. There are 2 kinds of teams that show up to these charity spelling or trivia or "game-related" events: 1. The kind that are there for the kids regardless of outcome, so they are all about having a good time, or 2. The kind that are competitive ass-hats, who complain about things "not being fair", and drink Diet Pepsi even though beer is free and included in your entry fee.  My team is, and always will be the #1's of the crowd.  Some of the #2's kept rolling their eyes and laughing at us as we drank beers, spelled words right, and jabbed and cracked jokes with the other teams. We even gave away one of our mulligans to a struggling team that night. BECAUSE IT IS FOR CHARITY. And it is fun.

Needless to say, we showed all those other teams. The LeBron James of spelling not only had the most of fun of the entire event, we WON the spelling bee. Take that, boring people. :)  Then we went out celebrating, drinking our beers out of our tiny trophies, and all around having a great time.  There was even a pseudo car theft involved, which turned out to be hilarious after it was all said and done.

So, two days of great friends and cocktails meant that John and I went to bed at like 8 last night.  It's fun to be a rockstar for a weekend, but I am completely content most of the time to be a boring old housewife who has dinner parties.  A boring old housewife who is the LeBron James of spelling.

Thursday, November 18, 2010

I *heart* Grocery Shopping

A lot. I love scanning the grocery ads, planning the meals, writing and organizing the lists (by aisle), and going to the store. I live for Thursdays, when JT gets paid and I can plan my course of action.

Tonight, with the few coupons that I do clip, my Dillons card, and my cunning ability to save money, I got $200 bucks worth of groceries for $120.  That's $80 left over for boxed wine. Maybe even the fancy boxed wine. Oh, the possibilities.

One more step on the road to being geriatric. Pretty soon, I'll be drinking coffee at 8pm. Oh wait.  Nevermind.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Things I've Learned As A Mom...

1. Most parents are not going to parent the way you do. As long as they are doing their best and no one is getting hurt, that is OK.

2. You can eat a peanut butter sandwich with no hands, especially if there is a diaper blowout in your midst.

3. My children can drive me absolutely to the brink of sanity, and reel me back in an instant with a sweet gesture, genuine smile, or I Love You Mama.

4. Portable DVD players are a gift straight from the baby Jesus.

5. Every parent on the planet has experienced a complete child meltdown in the aisles of Target. If they tell you they haven't, they are lying through their teeth.

6. Mom intuition is as powerful a tool as a doctor. If it feels bad to mom, you know it ain't right.

7. It is OK for your kids to not like your friend's kids, but it certainly makes you better friends when they do. :)

8. Lower your expectations for home decor.  I love a stylish house, but if it makes me a screaming Cruella DeVille on Xanax, it is not worth it.  They will grow up and you can get your depression glass out again. Up high, but it's still out. :)

9. Kids don't care about "stuff." My kids have two favorite things: Sloane's are her blanket and a ball. Sam's are his blanket and a Hot Wheels toy.  We've got toys out the wazoo, and these are their cherished things. Grand total price, about 4 bucks. (blanks were gifts from Aunt Ryan)

10. There is no such thing as "too many pictures."  I've tried, and I still feel like I have missed so much. They grow too fast.

Sunday, November 14, 2010

Lame, with No Regrets.

Remember at the beginning of this month when I apologized in advance for some of the lame-ness you would all witness?  Weekends, you are going to find a lot of it here.

I like to blog, but I like to write really cute or really fun or really quality blogs. I am finding it hard to crank one out each day that I consider good, mainly because I don't have really cute/fun/quality topics happening everyday in my life.  Sometimes they are few and far between.

Regardless, I am coming at you lame tonight, because I was hosting a dinner party with friends.  Sunday Supper at Casa de Hot Mess.  I love having friends over, I love the closeness that my girlfriends and guy friends have with my family.  Since most of my family lives a car trip away, many of these friends make for great aunts and uncles "because we think you're awesome, and not because we're blood relatives and have to like you," as one friend puts it.

I am still going to rock the blog-a-day, but sometimes you've just got to live life, and not report it.  Tonight is one of those nights.  Happy Sunday peeps!

PS- We had Jim and Patti's chicken enchiladas.  Totally awesome.

Saturday, November 13, 2010

Raising Kids...

It is hard.  Trust me on this.

Friday, November 12, 2010


Well, I failed.

I didn't get a blog posted yesterday.  I was busy, tired, and there were still guys here doing work on our house.  They found problems yesterday, and had to basically rebuild a side of my house (thank you water damage), but we're all good today and the bill for that extra repair wasn't too bad.  Mainly because when you live in a house equivalent to Pandora's box when it comes to home improvements, you learn to save about $1500 more than what any quote is.

And so, here is my I AM A FAILURE blog for today, but I will hopefully get another, better one posted today too. Two in the same day, that should totally make up for missing one, right? RIGHT?

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Comin' At You With Crowbars and Sawzalls...

Well ladies and gentlemen, I am short today on many things. Patience and time being a few of them.  We're having our new windows installed today. I love home improvements, but I do not like the process of home improving. There are strangers in my house. Hilariously funny, totally my-kind-of-people strangers in my house, but strangers nonetheless.  I am far too neurotic to witness the destruction of my home, but I did manage to get a few pictures today before I collapsed in full panic attack mode.

And so, here's my lame ditty for the day. Here's what a bedroom looks like with no windows.  I'm sure my neighbors are loving the sneak peak into my home.  Enjoy neighbors. Enjoy blogosphere.

On the menu for tonight: mass quantities of wine. Maybe some food, I don't know yet.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

All Roads Lead to Old and Responsible...

It is becoming ever-so-apparent to me that I am becoming a real, live, breathing adult.  I've resisted this notion for a while, but as things have started falling into place in my life, I am starting to give up the ghost.  I am a parent, and a homeowner, and a tax payer.  I have life insurance AND health insurance.  Cuh-razy.

So it comes as no surprise to me that this morning was like an adult version of Christmas at my house.  John and I have needed to replace some windows at our house for quite some time, and we finally saved up enough money to make that happen.  Turns out, windows are not cheap.  John and I used to save money to go to Vegas and buy really important things like Bud Light and hot tubs and dinner out 6 nights a week.  Now, we buy windows (and diapers). And we jump up and down and get excited when the Pella man rings our doorbell.

This, my friends, is what a whole lot of money-saving looks like. Sitting on the floor of my garage. Waiting patiently to be installed.  It is beautiful. BEAUTIFUL.  And it is the reason you don't see us out much anymore.

Next stop, the early bird dinner at Perkins. Oh well. I'll get home in time to stare at my new windows before bedtime at 6:30. :)

Monday, November 8, 2010

A is for Awesome!

Dinner time at my house most nights is chaos.  Between the hours of 4 and 6pm, my kids are usually in the throes of some level of tantrum at my feet, the dogs are barking at the neighbor kids, the phone is ringing, and someone is whining for a snack or movie or trust fund or something.  And you know, I'm trying to make dinner, too.

And then dinner is usually it's own adventure. Is Daddy going to be home to eat with us tonight?  Which kid will ask for nuggets or cookies first? Who is going to spill their drink?  It usually ends up with one or both kids on my lap trying to eat my food, which is the same food that was on their plates but Mom's is on a glass plate so IT MUST BE BETTER.

Tonight, for the first time since I can remember, we had a really really great family dinner.  It wasn't anything fancy, (though my meatloaf is sort of the bomb)  but we were all together eating at the same time. The kids ate what I cooked, loved it, and wanted more.  Nobody cried, or yelled, or threw a fit when they couldn't bring their toys to the table.  Sam asked to be excused, and washed his own hands.

WTF has happened to my family?  Believe me, I am not complaining, but I could SO get used to this. :)

They even ate their vegetables. Maybe Aunt Kathy needs to come stay more often.

Sunday, November 7, 2010


I sat at home most of the day trying to rustle up a blog worthy quip about our awesome weekend, but I just couldn't come up with much.  After our full day yesterday at the KU game, John and I did our best to go out and get "crazy." We were home and in bed by 11. Even a free overnight babysitter isn't enough to keep us out when we're tired.

Today, we spent a day with our family making our weekend even more awesome.  Homemade breakfast burritos (with homemade tortillas even!), raking and mowing leaves, getting snuggles and kisses from Aunt Kate, and sharing cake and pizza with Aunt Patti and Uncle Jim, and cousin Chase.

Our yard looks awesome, and our hearts are full. I love my family.

Happy Sunday

Saturday, November 6, 2010

Happy Birthday Johnny!

Today is my husband's birthday.  This isn't the best photo of him, but I am on his foreign Mac computer and don't know where the better photos are, so you get the idea. This is him roller skating at one of my ridiculous birthday parties.  He's awesome like that. :)

Happy Birthday John. You claim that me and the children are the best thing that's ever happened to you, but I think it is the other way around.  Thanks for being such a great husband, father, and friend.  We love you with all that we've got--even when what we've got is stinky and gross. :) It's all love daddy.

Hope you have a special day with us today, tomorrow, and for years to come.

Your family

Friday, November 5, 2010

Hansel and Gretel go AWOL

Once upon a time, there was a very smelly mommy who needed to take a shower.  Earlier in the day, mommy had an Oh-My-God moment on the scale and decided to throw out the remaining Halloween cupcakes to protect herself and her ass from more calories.  She buried the cupcakes deep in the garbage can so as to not tempt herself with dumpster desserts.

While mommy was in the shower for a whopping 4 minutes, her two scheming children realized they had a supervision free moment and seized the opportunity.  Since the boy child has a mind like a steel trap, he remembers that mommy threw cupcakes away this morning.  "That mommy, she's crazy like a thyroid.  I'm going to get those perfectly tasty cupcakes."  Girl child chimed in "I want to help!"

So off they went, to dig through the garbage can.  They paid no mind to the fact that mommy had just laboriously scrubbed and detailed her kitchen and dining room. Piles of garbage were strewn all about the freshly mopped floors, in search of sugary goodness.  At last they found the cupcakes. They both dug in to them, smearing orange frosting all over their faces and hands.  Girl child thought the orange color would be a perfect accent to mommy's newly painted kitchen walls.  A glorious time was had by the 2 scheming chidren, for the entire time mommy was showering, and thinking of all the hard work she'd done today, and how great it would be to relax.

Then mommy discovered her scheming children, and there were time outs, Clorox wipes, and a busy afternoon for all. And a Xanax for mommy.

The End.

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Thankful Thursday

Well here it is, Day 4, and I am already sort of slacking off.  It's a list! Lists are easy, and I've got grocery shopping and errands to run today.  And I've also got to start on my slew of home-made requests that a certain Mr. Birthday Husband has requested. You know, like another one of these:

And so, because I have to go run and slave over a hot stove all day, you get a list.

Today, I want to take a minute and list a few things I am thankful for.  I am always thankful for friends and family and jobs, but I thought I'd spice it up and give you a few other not so run-of-the-mill things that get me through most days.

1. Max and Ruby.  This series of ridiculous videos saves my life every single day around 4pm. And in the morning. And pretty much any time I need to get something done. It's on right now, matter of fact.  I hate this show. Hate it. But if it means I get 3 minutes to put a look together, I will play it and feel ZERO GUILTY.

2. Coffee. Oh, sweet coffee. I never thought I would become my mom, who drinks coffee all day long, but I did. And it is glorious.

3. A savings account. Pretty much every sort of surprise, unexpected thing broke or needed to be paid this week. If it weren't for my savings account, I would be turning tricks on the street corner right now.

4. Halloween candy. I am glad it is gone. So is my ass. It's really glad it's gone, and not via my mouth. I sent it all to JT's work.

5. Tyson frozen chicken nuggets. Because they are pretty much the only thing my very picky son will eat.

So there. It's a short list, but again, how do you expect me to keep my Stay At Home Parent membership card if I don't get all the groceries shopped and a cake baked and a chicken roasted, all while wearing my tiara and pearls and best heels?

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Tales of An Election Night Widow

As I mentioned yesterday, we had an election this week.  I have many friends who love elections, love watching the 24 hour, up to the minute coverage, love the discussion, debate, etc., right up until all of the winners are announced.

I used to love these things too. Then I married a newspaper man.

You see, all of that information that everyone craves? He provides it. From the time the polls close to the last ballot counted, my husband has to be all over that like white on rice. Until it is done.  Which means I become a newspaper widow.

John worked until 12:30 last night, and he publishes weekly newspapers. WEEKLY people. One day per week. When he worked for the local daily, he worked until all ballots were counted, or until the last possible minute before the press could run.

My husband loves his job, and I do believe he provides an invaluable service to our community and the communities in which he has publications.  But man, I could sure do without the 20 hour days he has to work to provide that service.

So, today, give a shout out to the journalists of the world. Because whether you loved the results of yesterday's elections or want to crawl into a cave for the next two years, there were journalists working long hours to provide you your information. And there were journalist's spouses sitting at their house alone with their children, wondering when the hell their husband would be home because they were OVER taking care of kids for the day. :)

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Lindsey's Soap Box Issue of the Day

Today is November 2nd, voting day in the US.

I love to vote. I couldn't wait to turn 18 so that I could vote. I vote in everything my town will let me. There's a vote for city commision? more funding for the bus? the official town juice flavor? I'll be there.

Why? Because people. WHY NOT? We are Americans. We fought for our rights to vote. I am also a woman. Women have only recently been afforded their right to vote (like in the last 100 years).  Being able to get up and schlep my kids to the American Legion on voting day is an honor. It's like giving Susan B. Anthony a high five. And, my kids love the stickers, and the little cute ladies who volunteer at the polls love snuggling and holding them while I cast my vote.  It's win-win people.

Go vote. Go vote go vote go vote.  Be a good person for your country, for your community, hell, for yourself.

And if you don't, I will come to your house and knock you upside the face with a shoe. Because barring an emergency and/or felony, every citizen of this country should be casting a ballot today.

Monday, November 1, 2010

November is NaBloPoMo, Kokomoko

National Blog Posting Month, folks. Google it.

I started this blog to keep people up to date on the lives of my kids, and I've sort of made it my own thing, too. So, I am going to drink the proverbial Kool-Aid and try and post a blog a day for the entire month of November. I am not a writer by trade, or even by passion, so I guess this is sort of my apology in advance. There could be some way random, ridiculous, and maybe even stupid stuff posted on this page in the coming month, but I am not a quitter, so I am going to do my best.

And so, I start this fresh, new month of November with some general cuteness, courtesy of the tiny terrors.

I look forward to a month of ridicule at my expense. Sit back and enjoy the show.
Me, teaching my kids the finer points of covering/hiding a body with leaves. You know, in case they ever come in contact again with their mommy's crazy cousins.

Super Bunny (from Max and Ruby) and Miss Ladybug. Happiest of Halloween's so far.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

If You Give A Mom A Mop Bucket...

Most days of my life read like the book "If You Give A Moose A Muffin." You know, the book where the moose wants a muffin, and the boy gives it to him, but then the moose wants jam. And of course, the boy doesn't have jam, so they go through this whole rig-a-ma-roll, and at the end of the book the moose still wants another muffin, but there's no jam, and an insanely dirty house and a tired boy. That is my life almost every day.

For instance, on today's agenda I had 3 things. Paint the den and keep 2 children and one dog breathing. I envisioned movies for the kids, a heating pad and a pain pill for the dog, and lots of beautiful butterscotch paint on the walls, all in time for a home made dinner and a shower.

Well folks, here we are at 4pm, and I do have 2 breathing kids, a dog, and a painted den. But there isn't anything thawed for dinner, I am not showered, and my house is a HOT mess.

It was like everytime I got the paint out, one of the kids fell and hurt himself, or they wanted juice, or the dog needed to go out and potty (and since he's drugged up on Fentanyl, I must assist). Or the phone rang. And then it was lunch time, and the kids made a mess, so I got out the vacuum, then the mop, then the kids went to nap, then I at last got the paint out again. And I painted, while both of my kids, unbeknownst to me, thrashed their rooms.

So, I cleaned their rooms. And did a load of laundry, since I noticed their hamper was full. And I answered more calls, and I made more snacks (for everyone but me, since I just realized I haven't eaten since breakfast). And now it is 4pm and I am flippin' exhausted, unshowered, and have a meeting at 6:30 and my house has nothing to show for the fact that at snippets during the day, it has all been wiped down, picked up, or swept at least once.

I am woman, see me multi-task. Perhaps a bit ass backwards and haphazardly, but multi-task nonetheless. :)

Sunday, October 17, 2010


I haven't eaten candy corn for about 20 years now. When I was a child, it was because there were way better candy options out there, and candy corn was what your crazy, cheap grandmother gave you for Halloween. A collective groan was let out when the bag of nasty candy corn was pulled out, probably saved over from the year before. Nobody loved candy corn.

Fast forward to present day, and boy, was I wrong as a child. Thanks to my friends Kate and Susan, I now have a new MOST FAVORITE TREAT IN THE ENTIRE WORLD. It's a simple recipe, really. Are you ready?

Candy corn. One bag of candy corn, to be precise.

half a jar of dry roasted peanuts.

Mix together, and consume in mass quantities. Oh people, it is heaven. It is so awesome, John and I have been sneaking handfuls and hiding in the bathroom to eat it. It is that good.

The cherry on top of this dessert? My kids hate it, so I can eat it right in front of them and they could care less. This never happens, which makes me love this treat even more!

Candy corn and peanuts. Proof that it really doesn't take much to make me happy anymore. :)

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Our Trip To The Pumpkin Patch

I love fall.

I'm sure I've mentioned that before, but it's true. One of the first real signs of fall for me is a trip to the pumpkin patch. In years past, it's been sort of cold, and we've worn sweaters and sipped cocoa while trudging through the fields for our perfect pumpkins. This year however, the weather was perfect, the sun was shining, and it was a beautiful day. The one snag in the plans (and believe me, there is always one), was that by some freak occurance of science, my daughter managed to spike a 104 fever between our house and the pumpkin patch, a mere 10 minutes away. Being the Mother of The Year that I am, we schlepped her through anyway, being sure that she didn't get too close to anyone else's family.

Suffice it to say, Sloane wasn't exactly photogenic on this day, but I did manage to get some great shots of Sam, who is the often elusive one.

My biggest pumpkin, Sam.

Come on mom! This way!

Hmm...this one is OK, I guess.

I found one!

Look how tall I've grown!

When is someone gonna pick me up again?

Monday, October 11, 2010

Smudging My Life

Usually, I am a glass-half-full person. Whatever the curve ball thrown, I can dodge it, or hit that crap out of the ball park. This week, however, has been nothing but a series of What the F moments. And I am tired of it.

I have an all natural hippy dippy friend that burns sage (also called smudging) when she feels like evil and negative energy are crowding her aura or space or whatever she calls it. I don't even like to eat sage, so I am sure as hell not going to be burning it in my home to clear the bad, but I can at least write out a long list of shitty-ness happening in my life in the hopes that the sun might shine a little brighter around here.

My family is in turmoil, and it makes me very sad to see people fighting over money and possesions. On the bright side, it has made me closer to my parents and siblings, and I have learned that it is best to not show your favortism to your kids (even if you do prefer one over the other), and I've also learned that I am spending every cent of my money before I die, so that nobody has anything to fight over. I take solace in the fact that the offending family members are on a roller coaster to hell, first class.

My baby dog, Jackson, has cancer. :( His biopsy results haven't come back yet, but I am hopeful that it is just a tumor that can be removed and he'll go on to live many more happy years. He's almost 10 years old though, so even if the results are bad, he's had an awesome 10 years as the most spoiled weiner dog on the planet. The biggest heart wrencher for me will be explaining it to my kids, because they adore him so. He's also the last remaining sliver of my life before family, and I can't help but be sad to lose that final piece.

We are sick sick sick around here. This week there have been multiple trips to the pediatrician (and the vet for the dog), and Sloane today got to experience the loveliness of a blood draw and a catheterization. Poor girl, I owe her a pony for being such a brave big girl. She made me cry when she sobbed "mommy ow ow, mommmmmyyyyy". But as soon as the nurse broke out the Elmo stickers, all was again right with the world. My pediatrician will probably be driving a new car next time I see him, because we have given him quite the business this past 2 weeks. Add to that the fact that even my husband was sick (sick husband=biggest baby in the entire world), and I've had it with the illin', yo.

I got to experience first hand this week the sleaziness of a shady business person. We got an unexpected bill for things that I had understood as part of the package we'd worked out. Well, I paid the damn bill after arguing about it for a while, but suffice it to say I reported that jackass to the Better Business Bureau and will never be doing business with him again. He's also on the roller coaster to hell.

Whew. That feels better. Sort of. Now, let's hope it was enough to get rid of the bad around here for a while, or I will be going down to the Sacred Sword or whatever they are calling the metaphysical mart these days, to get me some sage. And maybe to Ray's Liquor Warehouse for a box of wine.

Friday, October 1, 2010

Friday Confessions

1. I do not like being a mom to my son right now. He tries to find every possible way to either A. Give me a heart attack, or B. Make me want to strangle him. Yesterday, while I was in the shower for a whopping 4 minutes, he took his peanut butter sandwich and smeared it all over the dining room windows, walls and table. I love him, but Sam is the reason that mommy drinks right now.

2. I am shopping and prepping today for a dinner party with Ms. Flying Fork tomorrow. I cannot tell you how excited I am to have a friend over to cook fancy foods and drink sangria. For you Megan, I will scrub my bathroom. :)

3. I have never been so excited in my life to get My name is Lindsey, and I am a loser.

4. I secretly purchased a bag of Halloween candy, and have been enjoying it all by myself.

5. Fall is my favorite season.

6. We have plans tonight, but the possibility is great that JT will come home, and we will put on sweatpants and watch Antiques Roadshow instead. And that is 100% OK with me.

Thursday, September 23, 2010

A Math Equation...

1 crazy, half-blind, 84 year old grandmother
2 toddlers
4 immunizations and one flu shot at the pediatrician's office
1 bid for windows that absolutely HAVE to be replaced
dealing with the idiot contractor who is supposed to be doing our fence
having to grocery shop with the above mentioned crazy grandmother and 2 cranky toddlers
6 glasses of wine for the stressed out, crazy busy mama tonight.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Life with Grandma L...

My grammy is visiting right now. I love her to pieces, and she's a fiesty octagenarian who loves Jayhawks and spoils my kids rotten. Sadly, she's starting to have we say "moments not of this world." She's still got her wits about her, but some of the things she says are completely random and at times, utterly hilarious.

And so, I give you...Shit My Grandma Says.

Me: These kids are driving me nuts today.
Grandma: Peanuts? I love peanuts. I could go put in my teeth and we could have some...


Grandma: Sloane looks just like you Linny, except she's missing your fiery attitude...


Grandma: I need to go back to school. I'm losing my memory. Maybe I could take a KU class while I'm here.
Me: Grandma, classes already started...and why do you want to go back to school? Just enjoy the rest of your life.
Grandma: My mind is going, and I need to find someone to catch up to it.


Grandma: I need my hair colored. I'm tired of the gray.
Me: OK gran, what color are you thinking?
Grandma: Oh, maybe a blonde color...think they could do that? I want to look younger.


Grandma: Did you know Lady Gaga wore a meat dress to some award show?
Me: You know who Lady Gaga is?
Grandma: I saw her on Headline News. What in the hell is wrong in her head? A meat dress? They'd have killed her for wasting food like that when I was a kid.

Thursday, September 9, 2010

Because I Like to Document My Parenting Failures...

Poor Sloaney.
She got into a tug of war with her mean big brother, who pulled her down onto the concrete. Being the stubborn girl that she is, she didn't let go of the rope, and her nose took the brunt of the fall.
Hamburger face. Another milestone reached on board the Hot Mess Express.

Thursday, September 2, 2010

A Quick Update...

I have been running around like a chicken with my head cut off, hence the lack of blogging lately. But, I came up for air long enough to write everyone a quick update...

Sam is still loving the Little Caesar's ads, but not with the lust that he once did. I see a break up in my future.

Sloane has learned to give kisses, and now wants to kiss everyone from the dog to the checkout lady at Dillons. Adorable, yet frightening.

I am blazing through the last few weeks of prep work before the Humane Society auction, of which I am the donation coordinator. Charity work is not always fun. Fulfilling,, no. I'm ready for the event to happen so I can get back to my somewhat normal life.

We are planning on doing ZERO for Labor Day weekend. No plans, and I couldn't be happier. We may go to a tailgate with the lovely Miss Flying Fork and her family, but that's it.

Some recent events in life have given me a new perspective on my family and children. Hold your families close people, because nobody is promised tomorrow.

We got revenge on a friend last weekend for her birthday chainsaw to Sam for his first birthday. I found the loudest, most annoying farm animal learning tool, with no on/off switch or volume control. Happy Birthday, little one! Pay back is a B, mama. ;)

Have a great labor day everyone! Be safe and have fun!

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

More Proof Kids Are Nuts...

It's been an interesting past couple of days here. Everyone has been super busy, and stressed out, and trying to stay smiling...the adults, that is. The kids have been oblivious to it all, which is just the way John and I like it. But, I swear, it's like they know we need a laugh right now.

Their new favorite thing in the whole wide world? A newspaper insert advertising Little Caesars $5 pepperoni pizza. They are enamored with it. John had to bring home another few, so that they wouldn't hobo fight over just the one.

Sam slept with his last night, even going so far as falling asleep while saying "pizza! pizza!" (the Little Caesars slogan in the 90's). When he woke up, he came out of his room carrying the insert, and talking to me about Hot! Fresh! and Ready! pizza. He read it, so it must be true.

So far today, we've taken the Little Caesars ad everywhere we've been. Currently, the kids are sitting on the couch with their respective ads, jibbering about them and waving them in the air, laughing hysterically.

It's a laugh a minute, and JT and I have been cracking up all day over it.

Who knew such joy could come from yesterday's news. Why do we have toys again?

Monday, August 23, 2010

Our Summer Rite of Passage

Every family has a trip or event that signifies the beginning or ending of a season of their life. For some, it is a yearly visit to a family member's house, or going to their cabin on the lake. For my family, it's a trip to the sunflower fields just north of our town.

We've been taking the kids to the sunflower field since they were little babies. It's been fun looking back on the past 3 years, and seeing how much the children and John and I have changed. These fields of yellow flowers still take my breath away, and I never grow tired of looking out over the sea and making wishes and dreaming big.

It is a summer rite that I look forward to, and hold very dear to my heart. So, farmer who plants these fields, you are on the hook for the next 18 or so years, OK? Don't mess with my happy place, and the happy place of many other people. ;)

It's a dirty job being cute.

Pretty girl

My family
My loves

Thursday, August 19, 2010

Dreams vs. Reality

When I started this gig as a stay home mom, here's what I thought my days would consist of:

Change Diapers
Make A Gourmet Dinner
Family Time
--mind you, all in the comforts of my beautiful, immaculately clean home.

Here's the reality:
-Referree a cage match most of the waking hours of my toddlers.
-Clean up kid messes. (repeat 309 times daily)
-Clean up husband messes.
-Make dinners, lunches, and breakfasts that my children may or may not eat.
-Explain to Sam, for the 13th time in 20 minutes, why hitting his sister means time out.
-Haphazard trips to the grocery store, Target, etc, where my kids may or may not have a complete and total meltdown, and even with a list, I still manage to forget a key ingredient for tonight's not-so-gourmet meal.
-Keep the house from becoming a biohazard.

Don't get me wrong, my job's got it's perks...but they seem to glaze over the bogus parts in the pamphlet. :)

Monday, August 16, 2010

Random Summer Adorable-ness

Adorable-ness. Is that even a word? Well, when I'm talking about my children it most certainly is. I realized that I haven't posted many cute pictures of the kiddos here for a spell, and I sometimes forget that there are still like, 5 people in the world who don't have Facebook. Three of them read my blog. :)

Sidebar though: For reals Mom. Get a damn Facebook. Even your sister has one, and you're an IT manager for heaven's sake. Get into the now.

OK, sidebar over. Here's some cute pictures of what the kids have been up to this summer. You know, when we aren't leaving them with God and everyone so that we can jet set all over the US. :)

Sloane was keeping Nene's dogs company. Murphy and Bailey look SO excited to see her.

Sam got a big boy haircut. He was very un-big boy-like about it, but he's proof that anyone can be bribed with Hershey kisses and box juice.

Climbing the slide at Sammah and Papa's house. Happiness.

Aunt Kathy's best birthday gift to Sam was to come drag him all over my house in a diaper box. Seriously. He loved it. Why do we have toys again?

Kermit, the dumbest cat ever, letting Sloane give him hugs. And pull his tail.

And lay on him. And smile. And look adorable.

Birthday pool party day. Super happy boy!

Ms. Diva Saggy Pants herself, rockin' the teeny bikini.

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Ode to Blue Betty Badass

This is one of my best friends. For real. Her name is Blue Betty Badass because, well, she is the bee's knees.

She can whip up a batch of cookies in no time. Fifty cupcakes by this afternoon? Girl, please. Tonight, after discovering that my pita bread for pita pizza was spoiled (grr), I turned to my pantry, and to Blue Betty Badass, and we cranked out some delicious and cheap pizza crust. For the first time in my life. And Betty didn't even flinch. And I will never again rely on store bought ridiculousness for pizza.

Tonight, I raise my glass to you Triple B. I like you more than most people, and you dazzle the Dinner Party Circuit with your awesomeness, and don't even get mad when I take all the credit.

I see a lot of hacked off PTA moms in our future together. :)

My Happiness Project

Seriously folks, is it the heat or something?

I am so tired of people being rude. Rude to eachother, rude to complete strangers...just rude. Yes, it is hot outside. Yes, we are all suffering in some way because of the current state of the economy. But since when does that give anyone the right to treat people so badly?

I have even noticed the trend in my mom's group. Women who I otherwise have seen as pleasant ladies spewing their catty bitchiness. Not building eachother up, but jumping in at any moment they can to tear someone down.

I am so sick of it. Women--let's act like adults! Adults! Let's act like civilized individuals! You don't have to like, love, or even agree with someone's stance on a particular topic, or the way they live, or the grocery store they frequent....but JESUS. Let's just all get along already.

I continually teach my children that some people live differently than we do, but that doesn't mean they are wrong. I teach them to love and respect all people. I teach them that it isn't polite to be rude to someone. And then I open up a facebook page, or come upon a group of people arguing on the street, or see people kicking another while they are down. Adults doing these things.

How am I to teach my kids to be polite, respectful citizens of the world if all they see around them is a bunch of people being ass hats?

So, my challenge for all of you is to be nice today. Keep your hateful thoughts inside. Smile at a stranger. Be compassionate to the mom with the 2 screaming kids at the library (that will probably be me ;) ). Everyone in life has their own battles to fight, and you never know what a smile can do to help someone get through their day. To make them feel like it's OK to trudge along. To reassure them that they are doing the best they can.

Everytime you smile at someone, it is an action of love, a gift to that person, a beautiful thing. ~Mother Teresa

Sunday, August 8, 2010

Happy Birthday Samuel!

Three years ago today, John and I welcomed a very special little boy into our lives. A little 7 pound miracle. The baby we had wished for.

Happy Birthday Samuel.

You are my quiet and shy little boy. You have a smile that can melt my heart, and you get away with a lot more than you should because of your giant blue eyes and your sweet little voice. You love your sister TT to pieces, and for now, I share the center of your universe with cars, firetrucks, cups and balls. :)

I hope you enjoy your special day...I can say with certainty that all of the days since you were born have been special to me in their own way. I love you more than you can imagine, and I know your Daddy feels the same way.

Three years old. Wow. Where have these years gone? Happy Birthday Sam. I love you.

Friday, August 6, 2010

Friday Confessions

1. I have been eyeing the vodka pretty much all day long. Both kids are teething, and whiny, and I'm about to lose it.

2. I'm getting ready to turn my phone off and throw it in my pond. Perhaps hermits in the woods have something right after all...

3. The next rude, inconsiderate person I talk to on the phone is going to get an earful, and if I see them in public I might just punch them right in the face. For REALS people, it's called CUSTOMER SERVICE, not Customer--Screw You, I Don't Feel Like Dealing With You.

4. I love birthdays.

5. I can't believe I have a 3 year old boy.

6. Sam has already had 3 birthday cakes, and will have numbers 4 and 5 this weekend. All things in moderation, but we like to have birthday weeks around here.

7. I am a crabby, emotional HOT MESS today. Here's to a better weekend!

Happy Birthday Nene!

Today is my friend Jeannene's birthday. She doesn't much like celebrating, but since I love birthdays, I just couldn't help myself. :)

Thanks for being an awesome friend, and an auntie to my kiddos. I love you, and your sweet little wonder twins! I hope you have a great birthday. You deserve it.

Happy 25th Jeannene. Again. ;)

Monday, August 2, 2010

What Do A Slab of Bologna and A Solo Cup Have In Common?

....they've both been (or soon will be) birthday cakes for my kids.

After Sam's first birthday party, where I spent WAY too much money on a store bought, Nemo-themed cake, I vowed to always try to make my kid's birthday cakes. It's cheap, it's easy, and I honestly really love doing it. It's become a contest between my husband and me to see who can come up with the most ridiculous cake for our kids that they will love.

Sloane's nickname is "Sloaney Baloney", so what better way to show her our love than with a giant slab of bologna in cake form. I thought it was beautiful, and she loved it. We all had a great laugh, and it's got it's own page in her baby book. Memories, my friends. John and I have decided that we will incorporate some sort of bologna into all of her parties for the next, oh, 20 years. :)

Sam's first cake post-Nemo was a train cake. The kid is crazy about trains. It was so easy to make, and again, he loved it. This was my first cake creation, and I was very proud of it, too.

So here we are....a week away from Sam turning three years old. We were all sitting in the living room last night, and Sam brings down his giant stack of red Solo cups to play with. Yes, he loves cups so much that we bought him his very own package. He stacks them, carries things around in them, and would sleep with one if given the chance. Eureka....we've got a cake idea.
Yes, I am making my son a red Solo cup birthday cake. And he is super excited about it. And I am super excited about making him happy on his birthday. So, Solo cup cake mold be damned, I am going to try and make his birthday wishes come true. :)