If You Give A Mom A Mop Bucket...

Most days of my life read like the book "If You Give A Moose A Muffin." You know, the book where the moose wants a muffin, and the boy gives it to him, but then the moose wants jam. And of course, the boy doesn't have jam, so they go through this whole rig-a-ma-roll, and at the end of the book the moose still wants another muffin, but there's no jam, and an insanely dirty house and a tired boy. That is my life almost every day.

For instance, on today's agenda I had 3 things. Paint the den and keep 2 children and one dog breathing. I envisioned movies for the kids, a heating pad and a pain pill for the dog, and lots of beautiful butterscotch paint on the walls, all in time for a home made dinner and a shower.

Well folks, here we are at 4pm, and I do have 2 breathing kids, a dog, and a painted den. But there isn't anything thawed for dinner, I am not showered, and my house is a HOT mess.

It was like everytime I got the paint out, one of the kids fell and hurt himself, or they wanted juice, or the dog needed to go out and potty (and since he's drugged up on Fentanyl, I must assist). Or the phone rang. And then it was lunch time, and the kids made a mess, so I got out the vacuum, then the mop, then the kids went to nap, then I at last got the paint out again. And I painted, while both of my kids, unbeknownst to me, thrashed their rooms.

So, I cleaned their rooms. And did a load of laundry, since I noticed their hamper was full. And I answered more calls, and I made more snacks (for everyone but me, since I just realized I haven't eaten since breakfast). And now it is 4pm and I am flippin' exhausted, unshowered, and have a meeting at 6:30 and my house has nothing to show for the fact that at snippets during the day, it has all been wiped down, picked up, or swept at least once.

I am woman, see me multi-task. Perhaps a bit ass backwards and haphazardly, but multi-task nonetheless. :)

Bliss

I haven't eaten candy corn for about 20 years now. When I was a child, it was because there were way better candy options out there, and candy corn was what your crazy, cheap grandmother gave you for Halloween. A collective groan was let out when the bag of nasty candy corn was pulled out, probably saved over from the year before. Nobody loved candy corn.

Fast forward to present day, and boy, was I wrong as a child. Thanks to my friends Kate and Susan, I now have a new MOST FAVORITE TREAT IN THE ENTIRE WORLD. It's a simple recipe, really. Are you ready?

Candy corn. One bag of candy corn, to be precise.

add

half a jar of dry roasted peanuts.

Mix together, and consume in mass quantities. Oh people, it is heaven. It is so awesome, John and I have been sneaking handfuls and hiding in the bathroom to eat it. It is that good.

The cherry on top of this dessert? My kids hate it, so I can eat it right in front of them and they could care less. This never happens, which makes me love this treat even more!

Candy corn and peanuts. Proof that it really doesn't take much to make me happy anymore. :)

Our Trip To The Pumpkin Patch

I love fall.

I'm sure I've mentioned that before, but it's true. One of the first real signs of fall for me is a trip to the pumpkin patch. In years past, it's been sort of cold, and we've worn sweaters and sipped cocoa while trudging through the fields for our perfect pumpkins. This year however, the weather was perfect, the sun was shining, and it was a beautiful day. The one snag in the plans (and believe me, there is always one), was that by some freak occurance of science, my daughter managed to spike a 104 fever between our house and the pumpkin patch, a mere 10 minutes away. Being the Mother of The Year that I am, we schlepped her through anyway, being sure that she didn't get too close to anyone else's family.

Suffice it to say, Sloane wasn't exactly photogenic on this day, but I did manage to get some great shots of Sam, who is the often elusive one.

My biggest pumpkin, Sam.

Come on mom! This way!

Hmm...this one is OK, I guess.

I found one!

Look how tall I've grown!

When is someone gonna pick me up again?

Smudging My Life

Usually, I am a glass-half-full person. Whatever the curve ball thrown, I can dodge it, or hit that crap out of the ball park. This week, however, has been nothing but a series of What the F moments. And I am tired of it.

I have an all natural hippy dippy friend that burns sage (also called smudging) when she feels like evil and negative energy are crowding her aura or space or whatever she calls it. I don't even like to eat sage, so I am sure as hell not going to be burning it in my home to clear the bad, but I can at least write out a long list of shitty-ness happening in my life in the hopes that the sun might shine a little brighter around here.

My family is in turmoil, and it makes me very sad to see people fighting over money and possesions. On the bright side, it has made me closer to my parents and siblings, and I have learned that it is best to not show your favortism to your kids (even if you do prefer one over the other), and I've also learned that I am spending every cent of my money before I die, so that nobody has anything to fight over. I take solace in the fact that the offending family members are on a roller coaster to hell, first class.

My baby dog, Jackson, has cancer. :( His biopsy results haven't come back yet, but I am hopeful that it is just a tumor that can be removed and he'll go on to live many more happy years. He's almost 10 years old though, so even if the results are bad, he's had an awesome 10 years as the most spoiled weiner dog on the planet. The biggest heart wrencher for me will be explaining it to my kids, because they adore him so. He's also the last remaining sliver of my life before family, and I can't help but be sad to lose that final piece.

We are sick sick sick around here. This week there have been multiple trips to the pediatrician (and the vet for the dog), and Sloane today got to experience the loveliness of a blood draw and a catheterization. Poor girl, I owe her a pony for being such a brave big girl. She made me cry when she sobbed "mommy ow ow, mommmmmyyyyy". But as soon as the nurse broke out the Elmo stickers, all was again right with the world. My pediatrician will probably be driving a new car next time I see him, because we have given him quite the business this past 2 weeks. Add to that the fact that even my husband was sick (sick husband=biggest baby in the entire world), and I've had it with the illin', yo.

I got to experience first hand this week the sleaziness of a shady business person. We got an unexpected bill for things that I had understood as part of the package we'd worked out. Well, I paid the damn bill after arguing about it for a while, but suffice it to say I reported that jackass to the Better Business Bureau and will never be doing business with him again. He's also on the roller coaster to hell.

Whew. That feels better. Sort of. Now, let's hope it was enough to get rid of the bad around here for a while, or I will be going down to the Sacred Sword or whatever they are calling the metaphysical mart these days, to get me some sage. And maybe to Ray's Liquor Warehouse for a box of wine.

Friday Confessions

1. I do not like being a mom to my son right now. He tries to find every possible way to either A. Give me a heart attack, or B. Make me want to strangle him. Yesterday, while I was in the shower for a whopping 4 minutes, he took his peanut butter sandwich and smeared it all over the dining room windows, walls and table. I love him, but Sam is the reason that mommy drinks right now.

2. I am shopping and prepping today for a dinner party with Ms. Flying Fork tomorrow. I cannot tell you how excited I am to have a friend over to cook fancy foods and drink sangria. For you Megan, I will scrub my bathroom. :)

3. I have never been so excited in my life to get new....windows. My name is Lindsey, and I am a loser.

4. I secretly purchased a bag of Halloween candy, and have been enjoying it all by myself.

5. Fall is my favorite season.

6. We have plans tonight, but the possibility is great that JT will come home, and we will put on sweatpants and watch Antiques Roadshow instead. And that is 100% OK with me.